A Chris-in-the-morning inspired blog. Somewhere I can hypothesis on human nature and narrate my own journey of self discovery. That sounds so cheesy! Basically somewhere that I can just spill out the contents of my head.

 
My diary name is changed. I now feel qualified to call myself a scientist. Yay. Two more years and I can call myself a biologist.
So graduation. It was great. Most of the 20 seconds on stage is a bit dreamlike at the moment but I'm sure my memory will clear up given a bit more time. It was great to see my parents so happy. It was great to see most of my friends get their degrees too. But the best bit was seeing Matt again. Having lived with him last year and seeing how much of a pillock he could be under the influence of damian and Ivan, I thought I had gone off him. Apparently not. The night before graduation I was more excited at the thought of seeing Matt than the ceremony. I planned things out. I was going to hug him and say how good it was to see him again. Make sure he knew that even though we haven't had much correspondence since last year I still considered him special. Well I did hug him, and he was friendly and all. Then we went in the procession afterwards and because Mark was in the afternoon ceremony he was there too. So it was us three together again. No Ivan no Todd(not that I don't like Todd, he's lovely) But as Matt pointed out the three of us basically went through uni together. That led me to believe that he still feels fondly about that first year. As I do. I often wonder how different things would have been had me and Mark not got together. Would Matt have asked me out. I don't know that he even liked me? I do know that he liked the girl who lived in the room next to him. But towards the end of that year there was something between us. If only I knew if he was really interested in me then I would know whether to regret going out with Mark. (Even if he was back then but not now.) I think we only got together because of a mutual want to be able to say that we had a boy/girlfriend. There was some affection. But even back then it wasn't much compared to how well Matt and I got on. He's really the nicest guy I've known yet. Although I guess Nat's Luke is competition. Not that he's my type. Matt is quite possibly the perfect guy for me. He's sweet, thoughtful, smart(v.important), we've got heaps in common. I even love his family. [sigh]
I wish that I could tell him how I feel. But I don't want to ruin any friendship there is between us. Even as I write this I'm contemplating, ways for him to accidentally find this page. Not that I would. I mean I'm not even telling this to Nat or Jules. I'm really looking forward to next year because he'll be on campus again. And maybe we'll be able to spend more time together. I even said if he's coming into town for any rugby games to let know, and I'll go too. I'm willing to go to rugby games for him. What I felt for Matt back in 2001-2002 is the closest I've ever come to love. I'm pretty sure I was in love with him. I probably still am but I've learnt to suppress it. Don't get me wrong, I loved Cloud. But I don't think I was 'in love'. There is a difference. Cloud is lovely and I love him but there is something more passionate about being _in_ love.
Well there you go actually said it. I loved Matt. I've never said that out loud except to my posters.
Matt William Paul, I would walk five hundred miles and I would walk five hundred more. I feel really stupid saying all this now. I've been angsting over it happily for 3 years now. And I'm getting paranoid he'll find it now. But to be honest I don't think he's interested. He didn't show any particular affection. But we were in a crowd. Maybe if I wait I'll find out. I can only hope.
{end of rant}

posted by Megan at 7:45 PM