A Chris-in-the-morning inspired blog. Somewhere I can hypothesis on human nature and narrate my own journey of self discovery. That sounds so cheesy! Basically somewhere that I can just spill out the contents of my head.

 
Huh, I feel delightfully numb right now. Brilliantly, wondefully perfectly, blissfully numb. Nat went to Lukes birthday and Erin went out with friends to a movie. Saw Iggy for probably the last time (at least for a long time) he's going back to Tga tommorrow. I wanted to go out somewhere for a long island iced tea. George has been a bad influence on me. Actually I choose to believe he's been a good influence. He got me craving Long Island Iced TeaS. And this weekend I really needed one. But Julie was tired this evening, and I didn't want to force her to go out, so I settled for a couple of rum and cokes. I actually bought a 4 pack. Only drank two. I watched Monk then I watched my video of Independence day. Until I remembered it I was despairing of a boring evening. I didn't want to have to think about anything. That's why I wanted the long island iced tea, something with enough alcohol so that I didn't have to think. I'm sick and tired of thinking and feeling. Emotions are overated! Very. I'm just sick of not having crontrol of my own damn head! I'm so sick of feeling guilty about Iggy. I'm sick of Nathalie being so damn annoying. She talks about other people being annoying and she's a fucking bitch sometimes. I ask if she wants help with the cooking everynight because I don't want her to feel like we're taking advantage of her and expecting her to do the cooking. And she answers like I've asked the stupidest question in the world. Like how could you even think of offering your help, as if I'd take it you incompetent fool. Because that's what I feel like, everytime I have cooked something she's looked down her fucking nose at it like she wouldn't feed it to a dog! I didn't mean this to turn into a rant but G**D*MN!! She doesn't even make an effort to be civil to Daniel anymore! And while she was cooking I was watching tv and she must have bumped something in the kitchen and I heard dishes falling over and glasses crashing and I called out 'are you okay out there' in case she'd cut herself or something. And she answered 'yes' but she said it like 'shut the fuck up of course I'm all right. You dumb ass' as if I could see through the wall whether she'd accidentally cut her wrist open or not! We had Iggy here for one night and I swear she was trying to guilt me into saying we could keep him. Every 10 minutes it was 'oh how cute' or 'hey sweetie, I love you' or 'I wish I didn't have to give you away.'. For goodness sake! I'm not going to change my mind. I admit I made a huge mistake in the beginning and yes we all have to pay for it now especially nathalie, but what the hell else could I do.
Sorry this didn't mean to turn into a rant. The alcohol is wearing off and emotions are returning.

I just want someone to hold me. Someone that loves me that I love back. Someone who's going to tell me it's going to be allright. Someone who is passionate about me, someone who'll always be there for me. Someone for me to be there for. Someone for me to hug and stroke their hair. Someone to protect me. Someone who understands me.
I love my friends but they've lives of their own, and they don't quite understand how I feel. They've all got stuff to do when I need them. Not that you can really tell when I need someone I usually just act a little crazier than usual.
I think I might call mum. I just want someone to tell me I did the right thing. I feel that I did but I need someone to say it to me.

I always feel silly about what I've written after it's all come out. I guess that's why I've ressurected this page. To get it all out. Better here than yelling at Nat or something.
posted by Megan at 4:02 AM