A Chris-in-the-morning inspired blog. Somewhere I can hypothesis on human nature and narrate my own journey of self discovery. That sounds so cheesy! Basically somewhere that I can just spill out the contents of my head.

 
Well I think I'm chickening out. I haven't emailed Matt to tell him how I feel. I haven't even emailed him to ask for his phone number so that I can call him and ask if he felt the same as I did at the concert. I think I've resigned myself to waiting until I see him next then seeing how I feel. I really would rather do it face to face.
I'm getting back into uni work. Not as quickly as I hoped to but getting back into it none the less. I think it's somewhat due to needing something to distract me from the whole Matt thing. I also have a whole bunch of stuff due soon and need to get it done. But it's more than just needing to get stuff done, I'm getting motivated agin. Enthusiastic even. Especially about my thesis stuff.
posted by Megan at 3:46 AM

 
Thanks so much to George for his supportive comments, everythime I feel like I'm about to get frustrated agin I just think about what he said. Even if everything turns toes up with Matt I've still got a whole bunch of lovely friends and family. And Julie said that from what she knows of Matt he's not likely to give up conatct with me if it goes pear shaped. Thanks guys.
I figure if I don't hear from him by the end of the week, I'll email him and let the cat out of the bag, so to speak.
I'll say how much I enjoyed friday, and that I hope i didn't imagine it. Then I'll quote Scrubs.
JD to Elliot: "For three years we've been dancing around this thing between us. And finally I've got the courage to stand up and tell you how I feel. I'm crazy about you."
That quote is altogether too acurate.
I figure I've got not much to lose and a whole lot to gain.
posted by Megan at 3:57 AM

 
I guess I can sound a bit hysterical in my posts here. Then again I'm just starting to be able to write about my 'deepest' emotions. About things I usually only talk to Jonathan about. Speaking of Jon. I dreamed about him last night. I'm not sure whether he was just in my dream, or that he came to me in my dream. I believe that he came to me. I was crying, huddled on the ground and he walked over to me and put his arm around me. He was wearing a white top and darker pants. He hugged me. I'm not sure whether he said evrything's going to be alright or if I just imagined that. But it was really, really sweet of him. Thank you Jonathan.
Talking about sweet, George said he wanted slap Matt upside the back of the head for not contacting me in the weekend! That's the nicest threat anyone's offered on my behalf. I guess it means we're even. I wanted to kick T for not emailing him. Maybe I should have told him that.
Thanks George ^_^
posted by Megan at 3:28 AM

 
Matthew William Paul Power! You are driving me crazy! Completely and utterly mad. I have never felt such frustration in my life. You are driving me so crazy that I whacked my hand against the wall- by accident. I was trying to whack the teatowel against the wall, but I can't even think straight enough to do that. I misjudged something and hit my hand instead. It really hurts. On the other hand it did calm me down.
Why haven't you contacted me!? I'm sitting here listening to Fishing for Lisa because that was the song when you first didn't take your hand away. It's a song that will forever have special meaning for me. Even if it's just to remember that touch.
God, yes I'm appealing to my higher power in a journal post, please let him do something. Email me, text me. Anything so I know. And soon. Before I break my arm or something.
I didn't imagine it, it did happen he must have felt something, thought something, why won't he tell me?
posted by Megan at 5:05 AM

 
This entry is so that in the future I can look back and say 'no I did not imagine it'

Well the whole Matt 'situation' came to a head last night with the concert. The Feelers concert. Matt came with Mark and Ivan. Which wasn't too bad. We chatted and stuff, he was lovely and friendly just like always. He almost seemed to be making more of an effort than usual to talk to me. Maybe that was my imagination. But then on the dance floor. When the Feelers came on at midnight we were on the dance floor. It was really crowded and I seemed to be a magnet for people to push past. Because of my heels I stumbled occaisionaly when people pushed too hard or it was really crowded. I was standing in front of Matt for the whole performance and when I stumbled badly he.. I can still feel his touch from the first time he caught me. I probably would have ended up on the floor if he hadn't. He put his left hand on my waist. As I was stading up I brushed my hand over his. I admit that I did that by design. At least so that I'd know what it feels like to brush his hand. Then a bit later when I was being pushed around again he put his hands on my shoulders and it was initially as a reflex, I put my left hand on his hand on my shoulder. I kind of held onto it a bit. Then after I was standing I kept my hand on his. He didn't move his. At least not till the end of the song when we clapped.
And _again_ later when I stumbled he put his hands on my shoulders and I put my left hand on his. I kind of held onto it again. And I swear I felt him stroking my shoudler with his thumb a little. Although I guess I may have imagined that. Maybe. But I'm sure I didn't. We kept our hands like that for almost two songs. At one point Mark moved and turned towards us a little and both me and Matt took our hands away. But when Mark turned back to the stage he put his hand back. He put it back! That I know he did. I wasn't stumbling or anything and he put it back. We exchanged a few _looks_ too.
Something happened I know it did.
Then why hasn't he contacted me. A while day later, and I keep asking myself, 'why hasn't he sent me a text message? Why hasn't he come over? Even with the other guys?' But then I guess this is Matt. You have to stick a nuclear warhead under him just to get him to reply to an email. He's probably just as unsure about this as me. He wouldn't know what to say in a text message. Neither do I. He might be sitting there saying, 'Why hasn't she texted?" I wrote a message. 'What are you guys up to tonight? I've been abandoned by my flatmates for their respective boyfriends.' But it just sounded stupid. So I didn't send it.
I'm going through things in my mind like he'll turn up here after he's 'left' pauls. I guess I just hope he'll turn up by himself.
Maybe he just thought it was a friendly thing? I hope not. God I hope he feels for me like I feel for him. And God I hope he does something about it. I need him so badly.
I had imagined so many times what it would feel like to have him touch me and now I can't stop thinking about how it did feel. I want to feel it again. It was kind of protective. Firm enough to steady me but tender. Oh God, Please?!
posted by Megan at 3:31 AM