A Chris-in-the-morning inspired blog. Somewhere I can hypothesis on human nature and narrate my own journey of self discovery. That sounds so cheesy! Basically somewhere that I can just spill out the contents of my head.

 
This entry is so that in the future I can look back and say 'no I did not imagine it'

Well the whole Matt 'situation' came to a head last night with the concert. The Feelers concert. Matt came with Mark and Ivan. Which wasn't too bad. We chatted and stuff, he was lovely and friendly just like always. He almost seemed to be making more of an effort than usual to talk to me. Maybe that was my imagination. But then on the dance floor. When the Feelers came on at midnight we were on the dance floor. It was really crowded and I seemed to be a magnet for people to push past. Because of my heels I stumbled occaisionaly when people pushed too hard or it was really crowded. I was standing in front of Matt for the whole performance and when I stumbled badly he.. I can still feel his touch from the first time he caught me. I probably would have ended up on the floor if he hadn't. He put his left hand on my waist. As I was stading up I brushed my hand over his. I admit that I did that by design. At least so that I'd know what it feels like to brush his hand. Then a bit later when I was being pushed around again he put his hands on my shoulders and it was initially as a reflex, I put my left hand on his hand on my shoulder. I kind of held onto it a bit. Then after I was standing I kept my hand on his. He didn't move his. At least not till the end of the song when we clapped.
And _again_ later when I stumbled he put his hands on my shoulders and I put my left hand on his. I kind of held onto it again. And I swear I felt him stroking my shoudler with his thumb a little. Although I guess I may have imagined that. Maybe. But I'm sure I didn't. We kept our hands like that for almost two songs. At one point Mark moved and turned towards us a little and both me and Matt took our hands away. But when Mark turned back to the stage he put his hand back. He put it back! That I know he did. I wasn't stumbling or anything and he put it back. We exchanged a few _looks_ too.
Something happened I know it did.
Then why hasn't he contacted me. A while day later, and I keep asking myself, 'why hasn't he sent me a text message? Why hasn't he come over? Even with the other guys?' But then I guess this is Matt. You have to stick a nuclear warhead under him just to get him to reply to an email. He's probably just as unsure about this as me. He wouldn't know what to say in a text message. Neither do I. He might be sitting there saying, 'Why hasn't she texted?" I wrote a message. 'What are you guys up to tonight? I've been abandoned by my flatmates for their respective boyfriends.' But it just sounded stupid. So I didn't send it.
I'm going through things in my mind like he'll turn up here after he's 'left' pauls. I guess I just hope he'll turn up by himself.
Maybe he just thought it was a friendly thing? I hope not. God I hope he feels for me like I feel for him. And God I hope he does something about it. I need him so badly.
I had imagined so many times what it would feel like to have him touch me and now I can't stop thinking about how it did feel. I want to feel it again. It was kind of protective. Firm enough to steady me but tender. Oh God, Please?!
posted by Megan at 3:31 AM