A Chris-in-the-morning inspired blog. Somewhere I can hypothesis on human nature and narrate my own journey of self discovery. That sounds so cheesy! Basically somewhere that I can just spill out the contents of my head.

 
Well lots to talk about today. I'll start with Friday night. I had a dream. Being as this is my secret blog, of course Matt was in it. Basically the dream was that he'd got a girl pregnant. Some blonde girl no less. And he was going to offer to marry her. Not that she was interested. But it did mean he wasn't going to ask me! Not that I'm thinking about marriage with Matt. But you know how dreams go, emotions and all.
Then today. My my, what an emotional day today has been. I wne to uni this morning to work on my directed study. First thing I did, checked my email. There were two from Ajay. Of course I read them in chronological order. Woah! Knocked for a six. Usually his emails are just, how are you, read this joke, hope you're projects going well, see you at uni. This one.. well, here's a snippet or two
'And then i see you, and you're just this oddball dreaming fantastic dreams and living happily.  I don't get you.  Other girls i get.  You, there is no getting.  Isn't there someone you just want to be with for absolutely no reason at all other than just being with that person??'
OMG!
'I'm crazy about you and i think you're awesome, but a ten minute walk with you literally ages me 15 years.  The trouble is, i really like walking with you.  It's fun, in an excruciatingly mind-numbing way.  And i'm not planning on being your knight in shining aluminIum armor or anything, so this isn't as weird as you think.  But i will tell you this, if you're not passionately involved with someone by the time your birthday rolls around, i'm going to have to turn on the charm! '
 
I've never had anybody say anything like that about me! Not even Cloud and MArk put together. Cloud said some nice things, but this, this sounds passionate.
Problem was I really like Ajay. But not like that. I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind, it did. But it was quickly followed by a barrage of other thouhgts. Like.. 'you've done the international thing, it didn't work.' and 'he reminds you too much of Mark' and 'MATT!!!! What about MATT!!!!'
I wish I could tell Ajay that I had even the hope of being passionately involved with Matt by my birthday, but I doubt it.
Then I read his next email
'I am so sorry for yesterday's email!  I didn't mean to involve you in my life or get so personal.  And i'm REALLY sorry for threatening to ask you out!!  I promise there'll be absolutely no charm being turned on whatsoever!!'
and
'Yesterday was just a daze.  I did n't know whether i wanted to talk to Silky, or hang with you, or just be alone.  And then i saw you, and i knew i wanted to hang out with with you, but i didn't know how to go about it, so i'm pretty sure i just acted like an idiot.'
Which is still really sweet, but I wonder just how long ago he broke up?
I tried to ind Ajay today but I didn't see him. Possibly he's hiding from me. I hope not. I want to talk with him. Make him understand my point of view. I want to understand his too. I think the best option is for us to be really good friends for the rest of our lives who'll comfort each other in times of trouble. That'd be nice.
And then there was this line
'It's just that when we're together, you take me to all these magical places like Japan, and Camelot, and the Supermarket.  You make me forget everything else.  '
I've never made anyone feel like this. I've got to be careful not to fall into the trap of getting involved with him just because I like the feeling of making someone else feel things for me.
Although, him emailing me this has made me begin to wonder whether maybe I should email Matt about how I feel.
Still no reply from the arse! It's been well over a month. Maybe I freaked him out and he's not replying 'cause he's afraid of me now. Great! I hope not.
Well today has been an interesting day, tomorrow should be no les interesting I imagine.

posted by Megan at 12:05 AM