A Chris-in-the-morning inspired blog. Somewhere I can hypothesis on human nature and narrate my own journey of self discovery. That sounds so cheesy! Basically somewhere that I can just spill out the contents of my head.

 
I was planning on getting together with Ajay and sitting in the park like we did earlier this year and just talking stuff out with him. But he wasn't around at uni today. He'd better be tomorrow because I'm going to go mad. I'd tell Jules, well actually I have been over it with her, and she's got problems of her own. I'd tell Nat but I don't think she'd care. I guess it's get what you give. At this point in time I'm think I'm saturated with about as much complaining about work as I can handle. Roger did this, Jackie said that, old ladies tried to steal butter. It's got to the point where sometimes I greet her when she get's home and instead of a 'hello' for a greeting I get a 'Oh my god xxxxx happened today and I'm so pissed off' or something to that effect.
And who is she to use God's name in vain, she doesn't even believe.
That's another thing. I'm sick of feeling like I have to play down my beliefs for Nat. She's supposed to be all liberal (she actually called herself liberal today) and yet anytime anyone says they want to thank God for something good that's happened to them she's all 'I hate when people say I guess God just didn't want this to happen or thank you God for making this happen. As if God would be interested in their stupid little crap.' He's OMNIPOTENT you dumb bitch! Of course he cares about the small things, that's the whole point. He's always there. Usually I just purse my lips and pretent the TV is really interesting.
I'm sick of feeling like I should hide that I'm Christian in case I offend someone and I'm sick of feeling guilty just because I've not got Maori blood in me. My ancestors didn't go about opressing the Maori, yet if I were to show my interest in the Maori culture either Maori people would make me feel unwelcome or people would assume it's just because I want to look politically correct. Even Asha wasn't Maori enough for the girls in the Maori language class at high school.
Excuse that rant. I still have a lot of pent up energy.
Where is Matt?
I could really do with having him here right now. I want someone that's like me. He's not exactly like me (otherwise I'd be worried that I had a narcissism thing going on), but enough so that we think on a similar wavelength. He's the only person I've been able to have religious conversations woith comfortably. And talked about stupid little things like King Atrhur and Robin Hood lego sets.
I could give him so much. I look really good at the moment. It must be a combination of healthier eating recently and Taiko (helped along a bit by feeling sick for a week and not eating properly.) I look fucking hot in the right clothes. He wanted me enough that night. Why is it that with him absense seems to make his heart forget me??
I'm starting to think it was a mistake to send him back that night. MAybe I should have left him in the hallway for 2 minutes while I shoved everything in my wardrobe or something. I wonder if he did want to stay. But then again I don't think he would have gone that far on the night he had his first kiss. At least I'll always have that distinction.
There's one song in particular that I'm associating with at the moment. All you wanted by Micelle Branch. Lyrics are as follows,

I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you
And I got swept away

I didn't know that it was so cold out
And you needed someoneto show you the way
So I took your hand and we figured out
That when the tide comesI'd take you away

If you want toI can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wantedwas somebody who cares

I'm sinking slowly
So hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone

If you want toI can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wantedwas somebody who cares

All you wanted was somebody who cares
If you need me you know I'll be there
Oh, yeah

If you want toI can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wantedwas somebody who cares

Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone



That just kind of sums things up at the moment.
I'm just waiting now. The ball is firmly in his court, I don't want to hit it any harder towards him in case I injure him, so I'll just wait.


posted by Megan at 3:18 AM