A Chris-in-the-morning inspired blog. Somewhere I can hypothesis on human nature and narrate my own journey of self discovery. That sounds so cheesy! Basically somewhere that I can just spill out the contents of my head.

 
You know how when you're in love or in a relationship with someone and you create little references. Little reminders, like certain songs or phrases and the like. And after the relationship has done it's dash and passed on to the relationship afterlife you hear that song on the radio and you get that twinge in your chest. The song has new meanings, instead of 'he's so great I love him so much', it now means 'why was I not good enough for him?' or 'this is one of the best nights of my life' turns into 'why did I give all that up'.
Well after a certain period you move on from a person, but then you hear a song or think to yourself x would be saying this right now, and it sets you back weeks or months on the getting on with life ladder.
For the last few days I've been making a concious effort to eliminate these bitter and depressing feelings. I like these songs. I don't want to start wanting Matt everytime I hear Anniversary by the Feelers or Stay You by Wood. What I do want is to remember the good times.

posted by Megan at 8:47 PM

 
I've been thinking a bit about the Jewish faith recently. I think that if it wasn't for my strong ideas about Jesus (ref Dogma by Kevin Smith), I would be seriously thinking about converting.
A few things have contributed to my thoughts. Sex and the City for one. Charlotte converts to Judaism because when she tells Harry that she probably won't be able to have kids he says "So we'll adopt. What are you gonna do." And she says that if Judaism is full of people like that it's worth converting to. I have to agree. Another thing was the 'Some of my best friends are...' with Pio. The message I got out of it was Jewish people just want to be happy being what they are and they just want you to be happy being what you are.
I wish all religions were like that.
I'm very tempted to go to synagog at least once. Okay so the saxons didn't spend 40 years in the desert but, after all Jesus was Jewish.

posted by Megan at 4:56 AM

 
And ya know the sun's setin' fast
And just like they say, nothing good ever lasts
Go on now and kiss it goodbye
But hold on to your lover 'cause your heart's bound to die
Go on now and say goodbye to our town, to our town
Cause I can see the sun has gone down on our town, on our town
Goodnight
Goodnight

Goodnight Cicely

Thank you for all that you've given me. I guess it's time I start working things out for myself now.

posted by Megan at 4:02 AM

 
I had a revelation while on the way back from the uni library half an hour ago.
There have been many people to hypothesis about what separates us from the beast. Self awareness, walking on two legs, speech, maybe it's a sense of superiority that puts us apart. But how can we say that tiger's aren't self aware, chimps walk on two legs sometimes and it's already believed that dolphins communicate.
I think that what seperates us may be the ability to see outside ourselves. To see history, art to think in an abstract manner. Our thought patterns aren't just limited to what gets us food. We aim to better ourselves, morally, intelluctully, spiritually.
I was walking along holding Jane Eyre, one of the first books on my new improved reading list. I have begun a journey to better myself. Anyways I got to thinking, isn't it incredible that Miss Bronte can write this book way back when and here at the start of the 21st century a 22 year old woman can read her words and be moved by them. This communication down the ages I believe is one factor in what makes us different from the birds and the bees. Communication across the void if you will. Charlotte, is communicating with me from the grave in a way.


posted by Megan at 8:53 PM

 
Have you ever just wanted to shut yourself away for while?
Do the hermit thing? Us humans are a social species but
when it comes down to it, every now and again we just get
sick of other people chattering around us. Mucking up our
plans. Sometimes you just want to get away from the
spontenaity and do the recluse bit, even if only for a few
hours. It's not quite up there with Janet Frame but
everyone needs their own space once in a while.It's a kind of social cocoon. An anti-social caterpillar
we wrap ourselves up in a selfmade capsule, watch a few
movies, read a book or two to emerge as a glittering
interactive butterfly, ready to flit around and make
ourselves available to others.

posted by Megan at 10:00 PM

 
They say it is better to have loved and lost then not to have loved at all. I guess in the long run that's true. But for a while after the event it doesn't feel that way. It's been a couple of months since the event in my case but I managed to completely ignore my emotions for that time. I either buried myself in work, good old distraction. Or I switched my brain off. Concentrated on mindless things like computer games or tv, another type of distraction but one that can have detrimental effects on your mental capacities. It's a bit like a drug, switching off. Once you get used to it, then you try to use your brain again you find yourself finding reasons to switch off again.
Is it a physiological thing? Your body becomes used to the path of least resistance and doesn't want to expend that extra energy. Or is it an escapism thing? Trying to hide from reality in a calm safe little world in your head.
I've stopped trying to avoiding thinking about Matt. I've started listening to the Feelers music again. I've let it sink into my brain. I figured I can't coast my way through the rotting maggoty flesh stage in a haze. I can't go straight to go, straigh to the clean white bones of the situation. I have to face up to it and deal with how I feel. I've been on a bit of an emotional seesaw the last couple of days.
Thanks goodness for that friend you can just talk to, who listens. Who knows what you're going through. Thanks George. Now that I've switched my brain back on again I'm starting to realise even more just how much George means to me. I feel like he might be a friend for life. We've been through it together and come out on the otherside.

posted by Megan at 7:11 PM