A Chris-in-the-morning inspired blog. Somewhere I can hypothesis on human nature and narrate my own journey of self discovery. That sounds so cheesy! Basically somewhere that I can just spill out the contents of my head.

 
I'm going crazy again. Or is it still. That ache, it just won't go away. It's never stayed this long before. I just want that someone to hold me. Someone to share moments with. Someone to share with. I'm sick of holding it all in. I just need someone.
I know what some of it is. I'm sick of being stuck in my own life. My life where I keep things to myself and where people that I do tell things to don't tell things to me. Sick of being so lonely. I know sometimes I like feeling self sufficient and having time to myself to indulge my strange little habits, but I feel so lonely. Anybody that might be able to understand me already has their own group of people. And people that I thought understood me are getting new groups of people. Not that I hold it against them. I just feel so left out.
I want to start living life. I just don't feel like I'm living yet. I want something exciting and wonderful to happen.
posted by Megan at 2:20 AM

 

My Sweetie 
posted by Megan at 8:17 PM

 
Well nothing much has happened since my last post. I found out about the Feelers concert and email Matt asking if he wanted to come to Hamilton to go to it. No reply yet. I thought that seeing as ticket buying etc relies on his reply it might have warrented an imediate response. Nope. Unless he doesn't want to because he suspects why I want to get him to myself for a night and I've scared him off. Well he's got til morning to reply, then I'll send him another hassling email.
I've found a new favourite singer. Not that she's now my most favourite but just a new one on my list of favourites. Emiliana Torrini. Previously I knew her only from Gollums song. But since then I've heard some of her other songs and I love her! she's great. I'm quite getting into trip-hop. Didn't know exactly what it was until I looked it up. Turns out I already like trip-hop. I'm not liking it just because Ethan does! I'm just finding out a more defined idea of trip-hop. A lot of it is what I considered my Nikita music.
posted by Megan at 7:46 PM

 
Huh, I feel delightfully numb right now. Brilliantly, wondefully perfectly, blissfully numb. Nat went to Lukes birthday and Erin went out with friends to a movie. Saw Iggy for probably the last time (at least for a long time) he's going back to Tga tommorrow. I wanted to go out somewhere for a long island iced tea. George has been a bad influence on me. Actually I choose to believe he's been a good influence. He got me craving Long Island Iced TeaS. And this weekend I really needed one. But Julie was tired this evening, and I didn't want to force her to go out, so I settled for a couple of rum and cokes. I actually bought a 4 pack. Only drank two. I watched Monk then I watched my video of Independence day. Until I remembered it I was despairing of a boring evening. I didn't want to have to think about anything. That's why I wanted the long island iced tea, something with enough alcohol so that I didn't have to think. I'm sick and tired of thinking and feeling. Emotions are overated! Very. I'm just sick of not having crontrol of my own damn head! I'm so sick of feeling guilty about Iggy. I'm sick of Nathalie being so damn annoying. She talks about other people being annoying and she's a fucking bitch sometimes. I ask if she wants help with the cooking everynight because I don't want her to feel like we're taking advantage of her and expecting her to do the cooking. And she answers like I've asked the stupidest question in the world. Like how could you even think of offering your help, as if I'd take it you incompetent fool. Because that's what I feel like, everytime I have cooked something she's looked down her fucking nose at it like she wouldn't feed it to a dog! I didn't mean this to turn into a rant but G**D*MN!! She doesn't even make an effort to be civil to Daniel anymore! And while she was cooking I was watching tv and she must have bumped something in the kitchen and I heard dishes falling over and glasses crashing and I called out 'are you okay out there' in case she'd cut herself or something. And she answered 'yes' but she said it like 'shut the fuck up of course I'm all right. You dumb ass' as if I could see through the wall whether she'd accidentally cut her wrist open or not! We had Iggy here for one night and I swear she was trying to guilt me into saying we could keep him. Every 10 minutes it was 'oh how cute' or 'hey sweetie, I love you' or 'I wish I didn't have to give you away.'. For goodness sake! I'm not going to change my mind. I admit I made a huge mistake in the beginning and yes we all have to pay for it now especially nathalie, but what the hell else could I do.
Sorry this didn't mean to turn into a rant. The alcohol is wearing off and emotions are returning.

I just want someone to hold me. Someone that loves me that I love back. Someone who's going to tell me it's going to be allright. Someone who is passionate about me, someone who'll always be there for me. Someone for me to be there for. Someone for me to hug and stroke their hair. Someone to protect me. Someone who understands me.
I love my friends but they've lives of their own, and they don't quite understand how I feel. They've all got stuff to do when I need them. Not that you can really tell when I need someone I usually just act a little crazier than usual.
I think I might call mum. I just want someone to tell me I did the right thing. I feel that I did but I need someone to say it to me.

I always feel silly about what I've written after it's all come out. I guess that's why I've ressurected this page. To get it all out. Better here than yelling at Nat or something.
posted by Megan at 4:02 AM

 
Just did something I wish I hadn't. Looked at my friends page on my lj. Saw a post from Nat. It's about the whole Iggy thing. Maybe I'm really bad at showing how I feel. Nat went on a rant about how I did it in a really insensitive way, and how we all made the decision together to have him and how she should have known I'd go on a paranoid rant. And how if she a uni dropout could asses the risks in a minute yet scientist me couldn't.
Yes it could have been approached better, but as she said she knows me. I'm not good at confrontation. I try to avoid it at all costs. I've thought so many times since then how else could I have done it. So many possibilities came up now, but at the time that was the only situation I felt I could handle it in. Well if she should have known I'd go on a paranoid rant, I certainly didn't. At the begining the thought of having a cat was so lovely and it made Nat seem so happy and Iggy was born well before we got this flat. Maybe I should have kept on looking for another flat, but all the ones I'd already seen were no pets anyway. At this point I didn't realise it was optional for Nat to have Iggy, I thought it was pretty much set in stone. It was so easy to sign the papers that said 'no pets' all the way back then when we were just happy and relieved to have somewhere to live. We had all these plans like when the landlord gives us notice we'll take him to Lukes for a day or so. But when the landlord does turn up and the reality of the consequences is face to face with you it's a whole other matter. She said that she figured Erin and I had got together and talked about the situation and that we had decided the landlord had seen Iggy and was waiting for an evil moment to say 'you've got a cat' and kick us out. Not true. As it stands I'm worried that he did see Iggy, but I think maybe if he did, he either decided to give us a chance to get rid of him or he decided to let us off. Maybe it's his son that's against cats. I personally do't think that he did see Iggy, he was old and Iggy might have been fairly camoflagued by the lino. All the same it's not whether he already saw Iggy or not that worried me. It's if he sees him _again_.
When she first reacted as she did I was angry. Although I felt ashamed of being angry at someone whom I'd just told had to give up -effectively- her baby. But she must have seen it coming. She must have known after the events of the past week that we'd have to make this decision. The girl that turned up at the door earlier that day even said she'd had to give up her kitten. Was that not enough of a sign.
Anyway I feel even worse going on this rant now because Nat lost her job today. Great huh. She might have cancer I made her give up Iggy AND she lost her job. All we need now is for Luke to cheat on her or something to finish her off.
She's been quite civil ove rhte last couple of days but I can't help but feel foreboding in the air. All in all I believe I made the right decision. We made a mistake and now we have to right it. Mostly Nat is getting punished but Erin is fairly too. Myself, I tried to distance myself from Iggy the week leading up to it so I don't feel like I'm suffering so much.
I guess I am angry at her too for putting it in her diary where I was quite likely to read it. Or maybe that was her intention. Wish I'd been as lax in reading peoples lj's as I usually am. At least I have the courtesy to write this where's she's (hopefully) not going to find it. It's not so much that she put it where I could read it but where she knows other people will read it.

Love you Grandpa, I miss you
posted by Megan at 8:55 PM