A Chris-in-the-morning inspired blog. Somewhere I can hypothesis on human nature and narrate my own journey of self discovery. That sounds so cheesy! Basically somewhere that I can just spill out the contents of my head.

 
Well it's been 5 days and 1 hour since I sent the email.
Still no reply. I guess that's a big fat no!
Although I am going to stick to my promise. If he doesn't reply by sunday I'm going to call his mother and ask if she can give me his phone number. I will, I swear I will. I'll be good to hear his voice.

posted by Megan at 3:53 AM

 
I'm in the middle of finally writing 'that' email to Matt. Nat, Julie and I got drunk last night. Yeah I know, there goes one of my life goals. I'm not really that upset though. I guess I figured I would one day. I'd need to not feel or think one day. Drunken emails were sent to Luke and Wayne. I wouldn't let them send drunken emails to Matt. I want to do this myslef. Maybe if he turns me down then I'll get them to send drunken emails.
It's so much harder than I thought.

posted by Megan at 10:18 PM

 
I think I just had one of the best days of my life. Okay, so this morning I would have laughed if that idea had even been suggested to me. Ahead of me I had a 20 minute presentation to classmates, lecturers and whoever else turned up. Worth 15% of my final course mark no less. I was stressed like I've never felt before, and I slept through my alarm!! I got to the labs an hour later than I'd planned and fixed up my powerpoint slides. Double spaced my notes for easy reading, and practiced to myself a couple of times. 12 o'clock came and we all gathered in the room. Basically from then good things happened. Other people did their presentations and when I did mine I did it well. I didn't forget anything. The questions the lecturers asked I could answer moslty (one of them I answered particularly well I think.). But the best thing, people turned up to watch me. Specifically me! My supervisor of course, and Dr McNeil! I can't believe he came1 I haven't had him for a lecturer for well over a year. I was so flattered, and Ajay gave me lots of support. His was good too, went a bit over time and he did his not finishing sentences thing, but it was a good presentation, more interesting than most others. Erin tried to come to the presentation too, but couldn't find the room. Thanks Erin.
After the presentation Craig gave me an application for a fellowship that was passed to him this morning. And he said he thought I did well.
Then I had the Taiko workshop. Roberta and Roy, were there and they told me that I did well with my presentation!!! OMG, coming from the markers that's pretty good info! And Ken McNeil actually said that he was sorry he missed my presentation which is what he'd come for! (We ran a bit early. Craig turned up a bit late too. I was scheduled to start at 2 but actually started at about quarter to.)
Man I love Taiko! I'm fully going into this with the intention of joining the Taiko group. I'm going to practice the beats and the stance. I already practiced the beat while I was washing my hair.
I had such the best day. And even better, I'm all inspired and enthusiastic about my thesis and Taiko now. I actually want to work. I guess I realised how much I've liked the last few weeks and doing work all day etc. Especially when you like the work. I'm going to do some looking up of toxicity and anabaena stuff tomorrow.
And you know what, I could feel Vijay and Grandpa there with me this afternoon. And Nellie too. Thanks guys, you really helped.

posted by Megan at 3:20 AM

 
Well lots to talk about today. I'll start with Friday night. I had a dream. Being as this is my secret blog, of course Matt was in it. Basically the dream was that he'd got a girl pregnant. Some blonde girl no less. And he was going to offer to marry her. Not that she was interested. But it did mean he wasn't going to ask me! Not that I'm thinking about marriage with Matt. But you know how dreams go, emotions and all.
Then today. My my, what an emotional day today has been. I wne to uni this morning to work on my directed study. First thing I did, checked my email. There were two from Ajay. Of course I read them in chronological order. Woah! Knocked for a six. Usually his emails are just, how are you, read this joke, hope you're projects going well, see you at uni. This one.. well, here's a snippet or two
'And then i see you, and you're just this oddball dreaming fantastic dreams and living happily.  I don't get you.  Other girls i get.  You, there is no getting.  Isn't there someone you just want to be with for absolutely no reason at all other than just being with that person??'
OMG!
'I'm crazy about you and i think you're awesome, but a ten minute walk with you literally ages me 15 years.  The trouble is, i really like walking with you.  It's fun, in an excruciatingly mind-numbing way.  And i'm not planning on being your knight in shining aluminIum armor or anything, so this isn't as weird as you think.  But i will tell you this, if you're not passionately involved with someone by the time your birthday rolls around, i'm going to have to turn on the charm! '
 
I've never had anybody say anything like that about me! Not even Cloud and MArk put together. Cloud said some nice things, but this, this sounds passionate.
Problem was I really like Ajay. But not like that. I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind, it did. But it was quickly followed by a barrage of other thouhgts. Like.. 'you've done the international thing, it didn't work.' and 'he reminds you too much of Mark' and 'MATT!!!! What about MATT!!!!'
I wish I could tell Ajay that I had even the hope of being passionately involved with Matt by my birthday, but I doubt it.
Then I read his next email
'I am so sorry for yesterday's email!  I didn't mean to involve you in my life or get so personal.  And i'm REALLY sorry for threatening to ask you out!!  I promise there'll be absolutely no charm being turned on whatsoever!!'
and
'Yesterday was just a daze.  I did n't know whether i wanted to talk to Silky, or hang with you, or just be alone.  And then i saw you, and i knew i wanted to hang out with with you, but i didn't know how to go about it, so i'm pretty sure i just acted like an idiot.'
Which is still really sweet, but I wonder just how long ago he broke up?
I tried to ind Ajay today but I didn't see him. Possibly he's hiding from me. I hope not. I want to talk with him. Make him understand my point of view. I want to understand his too. I think the best option is for us to be really good friends for the rest of our lives who'll comfort each other in times of trouble. That'd be nice.
And then there was this line
'It's just that when we're together, you take me to all these magical places like Japan, and Camelot, and the Supermarket.  You make me forget everything else.  '
I've never made anyone feel like this. I've got to be careful not to fall into the trap of getting involved with him just because I like the feeling of making someone else feel things for me.
Although, him emailing me this has made me begin to wonder whether maybe I should email Matt about how I feel.
Still no reply from the arse! It's been well over a month. Maybe I freaked him out and he's not replying 'cause he's afraid of me now. Great! I hope not.
Well today has been an interesting day, tomorrow should be no les interesting I imagine.

posted by Megan at 12:05 AM

 
Well, I told Natalie about the dream and I was right, it was lessened by sharing. Maybe I'll dream about the guy again tonight.
posted by Megan at 4:12 AM

 
Before I do any work today I want to write down about the dream I had last night. I want to tell people but for a start it's one of those dreams that just seems lessened by sharing and people usually get bored when I'm telling them about my dreams.
It started off with me and Asha in a ferry going from Wellington across to somewhere towards lower hutt. On the way she was pointing out to me a bunch of houses on the Eastbourne side of the bay. They were all yellow and as you do in dreams you just know something. I knew that a family member (aunt, grandparents) owned this bunch of yellow houses and that they were a motel. She was pointing out one in particular as the one that the family member had given to her and Luke to live in. Then it turned to night. Next scene. Completely different place, I was inside a house. There were other people the but I'm not sure exactly whp they were, then me and my boyfriend (I couldn't put a face to him. But I knew) decided to go for a walk. As we were walking down the street I glanced behind and saw a cop car driving along slowly. For some reason this bothered me. I felt that they were following us - not that we'd done anything wrong. Maybe j walked across the road from the house.). We were hading south and I felt that we were on a peninsula of sorts. Residential of course. We were headed towrds the end of the peninsula which was near the end of the street I guess. Maybe there was a park we were headed towards. Then a white car pulled up in front of us (I think we were actually walking on the road), and Kane (from Home and away) jumped out. He was yelling at me wanting to know where Kirsty was. He metioned Jade but he wasn't calling me Jade I think he was just saying something about how she must know where Kirsty was. I yelled back at him that I didn't know where she was. Then(and there might have been a bit that I've forgotten in there) I turned around and my boyfriend picked me up and gave me the biggest hug. Then I assume he put me down because the next thing I knew we were back in the house and Kirsty was there. Maybe Jade too I couldn't tell. I think she had purple and blue streaks in her hair. Not many and not big ones. Just a few subtle ones. And her hair was kind of poofy with a bit of a shaggy type style. I was telling her that we'd just seen Kane out on the street and he wanted to know where she was and that we didn't tell him. Then there was a huge knocking at the door. It was Kane of course. But the door was locked. He was yelling etc. Then I suddenly thought about the back door and how it wasn't locked, so I ran to get to it.But as happens in dreams the other person thinks what you're thinking and reacts faster. As I reached that back door and tried to hold it shut he pushed against and it opened he ran in and started yelling at Kirsty. Then I woke up.
The dream is odd because I haven't seen Home and Away since last week. But the thing that sticks in my mind the most is my boyfriend. That hug. He was taller that me and he had that tough build that's not all musclely but nice. He must have been strong because he picked me up to hug me. That's right, right off the ground. When he picked me up our faces were about level, so I think he was about a head taller than me. His build could almost have been Ron Livingstone. Possibly because Sex and the City was the last thing I watched before going to bed. And he hugged me so tight. So tight. Not so tight that it hurts, but the kind of tight when you don't want to let someone go. Ever. You just want to hold onto them like that for eternity. I think he said something to me I'm not sure. It was something to the effect of how much he loved me. Of course I was hugging him back as tight as I could too. We really, really loved each other. And he was comforting me when I was upset and it was kind of protective too. I knew that he would take on Kane if Kane got too agressive trying to get Kirsty's location out of me. That's what I remember most. That love, that never wanting to let go, that knowing he's always going to be there for me. That knowing I could make someone so happy by being me.
I wish I could have that in real life. Right now.
posted by Megan at 8:13 PM

 
Well it's been a long and productive although stressful 2 weeks. 9-5 lectures for2 days then a statistics assignment that I didn't really understand. damn cockles, I think I now dislike them as much as helice crassa and lupins.
I've been using the work as an excuse not to think about Matt. It works two ways when I think about Matt I can't work very well. So it's was a necessary action.
But now that things are starting to wind down ( a little) he's coming to mind more often again. I keep hearing Feelers songs, and every one reminds me of him now. I think the frustration is on it's way back. I don't know whether to give up on him altogether or curse him for not contacting me. Possibly him not contacting me is a good reason to give up on him anyway.
I wonder at my actions at the concert too. Why did I go to so much effort to llook good. If he's going tobe that hung up on looks is he really the guy I want anyway. Yeah I think he is. I'm afraid I've been transfering some of my limerent feelings for Matt onto other objects Josh Holm being one of them. On the upside I'm getting into Dom more now. The most worring of my proxy subjects is a guy from class. I guess in the absence of any physical contact I'm transferring them to ** because he reminds me of Mark. A proven limerent subject of mine albeit in the past. But that's the problem I know that that's not what I want. Another Mark. It didn't work then and I know it won't in the future. What I want is Matt.
I really want to see him in pereson again so I can judge things. I know agin. But the setting wasn't the best. If only we'd got some time to ourselves that night it might have been sorted. Damn Mark and Ivan. If only he'd come over. That last look that night really had a suggestion that he would try to visit that weekend. Hmph.
See that's another sign that I should give up. If there really had been something between us that night he would have made the effort to sort it out in person.
I didn't imagine it and how could he have interpretted it any other way. Oh Matt!!!!!!!
posted by Megan at 5:48 PM