A Chris-in-the-morning inspired blog. Somewhere I can hypothesis on human nature and narrate my own journey of self discovery. That sounds so cheesy! Basically somewhere that I can just spill out the contents of my head.

 
Julie is forgiven. What right had I to be annoyed in the first place. What claim do I have to her time. It must have been a side effect of the whole little things annoying me bit. Anyway she's not forgiven because she did nothing wrong. She's just as wonderful as ever. I _really_ am going to make the effort to spend more time with her. She said she might like to go bike riding with me sometime. Yay. Sorry Kel, I like the weekly bikeride with you, but I'm not sure about the during the week thing. Those are my times to get away from people. It used to be like walking to school, or the quiet times at work. I daydream and think. There is no rhyme or reason to them. Sometimes I'll plan on going out then I don't. Other times it's a spur of the moment thing. Often it's becaus eof a need to go somewhere (usually the supermarket) then I stretch it out a little for my sake.
posted by Megan at 4:09 AM

 
Wow that last post sounds positively stupid now. I'm feeling so frustrated. I'm getting disproportionatley annoyed about things. The other two a complain about how we don't do the dishes and there's no room on the bench. Yet they don't even try to make room. They don't stack the dishes. How hard is it to put the cutlery in a pile and the plates in a SEPERATE pile. Obviously if you've got knives and forks in betwenn plates they're not going to balance. Aaaaargh! This whole cat thing. We can't keep the cat. We cannot risk losing the house over a cat. We get kicked out there goes the bond the stress of moving, there goes my masters. But Nat doesn't even seem to realise what we risk. The cat is not worth $6000 to me. Okay I love him, but not if it's going to fuck up the rest of my life.
Okay now I'm vented I feel a little better.
posted by Megan at 1:59 AM

 
So following that post about feeling betrayed by Julie, who do I run too now that I need someone to talk to? I do love her so much. I just wish I knew whether she loved me as much.
posted by Megan at 11:23 PM

 
I am Megan's broken heart. Not 'cause of Matt. No he is the one thought keeping me from going off the rails at the moment. No, it's because of Julie. Nat and I really wanted her to go with us to the carnival on Friday. But she said she was too busy with assignments and stuff. But in her latest LJ entry, she managed in the space of two snetences to say 'sorry megs and Nat I was so busy and stressed out, I would have liked to come but all the work was piling up. Oh yeah to Dyn and DC thanks for hanging out with me and watching monty python, i needed the company.' she actually said it was the high point of her week. Thanks Jules, nice to know we're im-fucking-portant to you. I am so stressed with this damn iggy thing at the moment. Stressed enough that I can't wait to get back to uni. That I long to spend time with ANYONE as long as they're someone whos name I know. Why hasn't she told us about how well she knows these people before? I tell her about just about everything I do. MAybe she doesn't want to know that stuff then. Fine. I want to know that stuff about her. Doesn't 13 years of considering her my best friend count for something? When she said she was busy she didn't even mention she'd been out with these people yet she put it in her LJ just one sentence after she's mentioned us. Apparently she's not trying to hide it from us unless speaking directly to us. You'd think after knowing me and nat for so long she could at least be truthful with us.
I think i might start spending more time with Cloud. I miss him and he reminds me of when I lived at college hall.
posted by Megan at 7:22 PM

 
So I'm still obsessing over Matt every chance I get. I've been playing (almost exclusively) music that he likes or music that reminds me of first year. I've also been doing that thing where songs you listen to seem to ring true. To actually say what you are feeling. For me right now these two sums me up.

Taken - Stellar*

speak of chemistry
the mix is volatile you see
so don't lose your nerve
don't throw away what you deserve
you should know one thing
time will change nothing

i'm already taken
i've been taken by your ways
i'm already taken
and by the things you do
there's no mistaking the way that i feel
i'm already taken

talk to my machine
and say exactly what you mean
cos i will listen close
to every breath and every word
you could spell it out
though you should know by now

//chorus//

i should make it clear
but its easier to torture
there are no victims here
you don't need to doubt
you should know by now


And loathe as I am to admit it

World of our own

You make me feel funny
When you come around
Yeah that's what I found out honey
What am I doing without you
You make me feel happy
When I leave you behind
It plays on my mind now honey
What am I doing without you

Took for granted everything we had
As if I'd find someone
Who's just like you

We got a little world of our own
I'll tell you things that no one else knows
I let you in where no-one else goes
What am I doing without you
And all of the things I've been looking for
Have always been here outside of my door
And all of the time I'm looking for something new
What am I doing without you

Well I guess I'm ready
For settling down
And fooling around is over
And I swear that it's true
No buts or maybes
When I'm falling down
There's always someone who saves me
And girl it's you

Funny how life can be so surprising
I'm just realising what you do

We got a little world of our own
I'll tell you things that no one else knows
I let you in where no-one else goes
What am I doing without you
And all of the things I've been looking for
Have always been here outside of my door
And all of the time I'm looking for something new
What am I doing without you

Well it's feeling right now
So let's do it right now
Praying that some how
You will understand the way
It's feeling right now baby somehow
I won't let this slip away

We got a little world of our own
I'll tell you things that no one else knows
I let you in where no-one else goes
What am I doing without you
And all of the things I've been looking for
Have always been here outside of my door
And all of the time I'm looking for something new
What am I doing without you

Really he is all I've been looking for, right outside my door. And stupid me was too shy and afraid to admit it.
I make a point of trying not to regret things. But one thing I do regret is not telling Matt how I felt in 1st year. I guess there is still a chance that I will get to tell him. Provided he doesn't get a girlfriend in Rotorua. If worst comes to worst and I'm about to leave the country I'll tell him just before I go. I almost told him just before we moved out of the flat last year. But the time or place was never right.
I'm already taken. probably why i'm never really interested in any other guy.
posted by Megan at 8:09 PM

 
My diary name is changed. I now feel qualified to call myself a scientist. Yay. Two more years and I can call myself a biologist.
So graduation. It was great. Most of the 20 seconds on stage is a bit dreamlike at the moment but I'm sure my memory will clear up given a bit more time. It was great to see my parents so happy. It was great to see most of my friends get their degrees too. But the best bit was seeing Matt again. Having lived with him last year and seeing how much of a pillock he could be under the influence of damian and Ivan, I thought I had gone off him. Apparently not. The night before graduation I was more excited at the thought of seeing Matt than the ceremony. I planned things out. I was going to hug him and say how good it was to see him again. Make sure he knew that even though we haven't had much correspondence since last year I still considered him special. Well I did hug him, and he was friendly and all. Then we went in the procession afterwards and because Mark was in the afternoon ceremony he was there too. So it was us three together again. No Ivan no Todd(not that I don't like Todd, he's lovely) But as Matt pointed out the three of us basically went through uni together. That led me to believe that he still feels fondly about that first year. As I do. I often wonder how different things would have been had me and Mark not got together. Would Matt have asked me out. I don't know that he even liked me? I do know that he liked the girl who lived in the room next to him. But towards the end of that year there was something between us. If only I knew if he was really interested in me then I would know whether to regret going out with Mark. (Even if he was back then but not now.) I think we only got together because of a mutual want to be able to say that we had a boy/girlfriend. There was some affection. But even back then it wasn't much compared to how well Matt and I got on. He's really the nicest guy I've known yet. Although I guess Nat's Luke is competition. Not that he's my type. Matt is quite possibly the perfect guy for me. He's sweet, thoughtful, smart(v.important), we've got heaps in common. I even love his family. [sigh]
I wish that I could tell him how I feel. But I don't want to ruin any friendship there is between us. Even as I write this I'm contemplating, ways for him to accidentally find this page. Not that I would. I mean I'm not even telling this to Nat or Jules. I'm really looking forward to next year because he'll be on campus again. And maybe we'll be able to spend more time together. I even said if he's coming into town for any rugby games to let know, and I'll go too. I'm willing to go to rugby games for him. What I felt for Matt back in 2001-2002 is the closest I've ever come to love. I'm pretty sure I was in love with him. I probably still am but I've learnt to suppress it. Don't get me wrong, I loved Cloud. But I don't think I was 'in love'. There is a difference. Cloud is lovely and I love him but there is something more passionate about being _in_ love.
Well there you go actually said it. I loved Matt. I've never said that out loud except to my posters.
Matt William Paul, I would walk five hundred miles and I would walk five hundred more. I feel really stupid saying all this now. I've been angsting over it happily for 3 years now. And I'm getting paranoid he'll find it now. But to be honest I don't think he's interested. He didn't show any particular affection. But we were in a crowd. Maybe if I wait I'll find out. I can only hope.
{end of rant}

posted by Megan at 7:45 PM

 
Okay so this used to be my 'I hate my flatemates' rant blog. Seeing as I no longer live with them and I didn't update very often I have decided to turn it into my innermost feelings blog. Okay so I have an LJ I know, where I can rant etc. But sometimes there are some things I don't want even my friends reading. Not because I don't think they'd understand. Well I guess maybe they wouldn't, I mean I'm the only one who relly knows what's going on in my head. But I think they'd get sick of hearing me go on about things. I guess I would really like someone I don't know to find this blog and read it. Of course by writing this down I want somebody to read it. I'm not going to be like Sei Shonagon and say that I wrote stuff down but didn't want anybody to ever read it, when she knew full well she would LOVE people to read her writings.
Sometimes it's easier telling people who don't know you about stuff. I guess because they can talk back to you completely unfettered. With friends I guess you're a bit upset of annoying the other person adn them getting shitty at you. But you can get the most honest responses from strangers sometimes. Especially on the internet because you don't have to see the person face to face.
I'm not sure that I have anything to rant about today. I've been in a completely weird mood for the last week but I'm finally starting to find my way out of the haze. It's mostly been Jonathan Brandis related. I might go into more detail tomorrow. I think I've written enough today.
posted by Megan at 7:47 PM