A Chris-in-the-morning inspired blog. Somewhere I can hypothesis on human nature and narrate my own journey of self discovery. That sounds so cheesy! Basically somewhere that I can just spill out the contents of my head.

 
Called his cellphone and left a message saying 'call me sometime' basically. Now it's back to the begining of the waiting game. Mark said last time he tried to call Matt there was no answer, so it's not just 'cause he sees my number and doesn't answer. Small comfort. He must have got the first message, and yet he still hasn't contacted me. There must be something stopping him. I just wish I knew what it was so that I could do something about it.

posted by Megan at 4:14 AM

 
I was planning on getting together with Ajay and sitting in the park like we did earlier this year and just talking stuff out with him. But he wasn't around at uni today. He'd better be tomorrow because I'm going to go mad. I'd tell Jules, well actually I have been over it with her, and she's got problems of her own. I'd tell Nat but I don't think she'd care. I guess it's get what you give. At this point in time I'm think I'm saturated with about as much complaining about work as I can handle. Roger did this, Jackie said that, old ladies tried to steal butter. It's got to the point where sometimes I greet her when she get's home and instead of a 'hello' for a greeting I get a 'Oh my god xxxxx happened today and I'm so pissed off' or something to that effect.
And who is she to use God's name in vain, she doesn't even believe.
That's another thing. I'm sick of feeling like I have to play down my beliefs for Nat. She's supposed to be all liberal (she actually called herself liberal today) and yet anytime anyone says they want to thank God for something good that's happened to them she's all 'I hate when people say I guess God just didn't want this to happen or thank you God for making this happen. As if God would be interested in their stupid little crap.' He's OMNIPOTENT you dumb bitch! Of course he cares about the small things, that's the whole point. He's always there. Usually I just purse my lips and pretent the TV is really interesting.
I'm sick of feeling like I should hide that I'm Christian in case I offend someone and I'm sick of feeling guilty just because I've not got Maori blood in me. My ancestors didn't go about opressing the Maori, yet if I were to show my interest in the Maori culture either Maori people would make me feel unwelcome or people would assume it's just because I want to look politically correct. Even Asha wasn't Maori enough for the girls in the Maori language class at high school.
Excuse that rant. I still have a lot of pent up energy.
Where is Matt?
I could really do with having him here right now. I want someone that's like me. He's not exactly like me (otherwise I'd be worried that I had a narcissism thing going on), but enough so that we think on a similar wavelength. He's the only person I've been able to have religious conversations woith comfortably. And talked about stupid little things like King Atrhur and Robin Hood lego sets.
I could give him so much. I look really good at the moment. It must be a combination of healthier eating recently and Taiko (helped along a bit by feeling sick for a week and not eating properly.) I look fucking hot in the right clothes. He wanted me enough that night. Why is it that with him absense seems to make his heart forget me??
I'm starting to think it was a mistake to send him back that night. MAybe I should have left him in the hallway for 2 minutes while I shoved everything in my wardrobe or something. I wonder if he did want to stay. But then again I don't think he would have gone that far on the night he had his first kiss. At least I'll always have that distinction.
There's one song in particular that I'm associating with at the moment. All you wanted by Micelle Branch. Lyrics are as follows,

I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you
And I got swept away

I didn't know that it was so cold out
And you needed someoneto show you the way
So I took your hand and we figured out
That when the tide comesI'd take you away

If you want toI can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wantedwas somebody who cares

I'm sinking slowly
So hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone

If you want toI can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wantedwas somebody who cares

All you wanted was somebody who cares
If you need me you know I'll be there
Oh, yeah

If you want toI can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wantedwas somebody who cares

Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone



That just kind of sums things up at the moment.
I'm just waiting now. The ball is firmly in his court, I don't want to hit it any harder towards him in case I injure him, so I'll just wait.


posted by Megan at 3:18 AM

 
Argh. It's getting frustrating. I'm in one of those moods where I don't know where I want to be. Usually there's somewhere I can go, either physically or in my mind that suits my mood and calms me down or makes me feel safe or comfortable. But sometimes nowhere that I can think of is right. Not home, not Rotorua, not Wellington (although it's closest at the moment. There is some comfort in Wellington.). At these times i sometimes go to my island. Maybe I should go there. I'll try that later.
I've also got a feeling that something is going to happen. Something has been building up over the last 3 or 4 days. My mother said it was the weather that was making me feel like this. But it's more. Something's going to happen and when it does it won't be good I think. Places that are usually light are dark at the moment. And this feeling is contributing to my not having a safe place to go to. Maybe it's because I haven't been very social. Not had many people around me really. Not very often over the last week anyway. But I can't get rid of the feeling. I've been extra nervous and jumpy. The thunder storm this afternoon had me locking the door.

Next topic: I've got his phone number. I was going to call it tonight but now I think I'll wait till tomorrow. I looked at my horoscope. It said:

Repair works
*
You may be concerned today with repairing something that has broken down, such as an automobile or an appliance. Or you may have to deal with a situation that has broken down to the point that it must change radically in order to continue, even along completely new lines. You may have to contend with a person who is trying to exert unreasonable power over you today, forcing you to defend your right to do things your way. The person may feel that he or she is doing this for your own good, but that is not usually the case. Avoid contact with criminals and do not go into areas where you are likely to encounter street crime. Under this influence it is just possible that you might have an unfortunate encounter.

And then because I'm not at all psycho or obsessive I checked his. It was the exact same reading. I know this is probably not a huge thing considering that there are only so many transits going on etc. But the website it not a magazine type 12 signs = 12 readings. It looks more indepth at your chart including place and time of birth. And in any case if we're both experiencing that tomorrow I figure maybe then is when I should call. Unless his is referring to a broken fume hood or something. ^_^

posted by Megan at 1:02 AM

 
It's going to be a week in about 15 hours since the stuff happened. And still I haven't heard anything from Him. Yes he deserves a capital letter now. I sent Him an email last night. It was ust before midnight so he won't have got it yet. I said something to the effect of does he want to come up and visit etc. I really hope he does. I'll have a very boring weekend of making slides for my presentation if he doesn't. I'm doing slides right now as a matter of fact. If he doesn't come around I'll have to appeal to him in language he can undersatnd. Namely:
The tide is high but I'm holding on,
'Cause I'm gonna be your number one.
I'm not the kind of girl who gives up just like that,
No ...

I don't like the song myslef but it's his favourite Atomic Kitten to sing.
I might also use,
When are you going to wake up,
When are you going to want what's in your face

And/or,

And this is a fight I'm not willing to lose
'Cause you're larger than life.....

posted by Megan at 3:35 PM

 
Well I've finally figured out how reverse-phase chromatography works. The ngiht before the exam. This is actually a very short study break. I'm sitting here trying to figure out when I can reasonably expect a reply from Matt.
I saw Eddie today (thank you God) and I asked him when Matt left on sunday. He said around 4:30. I then mentioned how he hadn't turned up. Eddie said he'd been worried something like that would happen. Apparently the boys had been giving him a hard time about walking me home and 'scoring' etc. I think they freaked him out or something. At least there's a good chance it wasn't something I did. Hopefully he'll reply to my email otherwise I'll text him or call or something. I really want to talk to him. More than that, I really want to see him.
I'm not letting him out of this. Not without a bloody good fight.

posted by Megan at 8:37 PM

 
Matthew William Paul effing Power!
Why are you doing this to me!?!?!?!?!! Why?!!!
I didn't know that I could be so far up one day and soooo far down the next.
Seriously. I don't think I've ever been higher than I was at 4 on saturday morning. I think I may have been lower than this before but I couldn't put a name to the time.
What's going through my head?
-Has he changed his mind?
-Was he really drunk and forgot?
-Did he get mugged on the way back?
-Did he turn up and no one answered the door 'cause no one heard?
-Does he think I'm crazy?

God! Why?
Maybe I am as low as I can get. I can see all that happened, feel it. The sitting on his lap. His arm around me as we walked back. Those awful long, stretching silences. The kissing, feeling his hands on my waist.
Everything was going so perfectly. He made me feel like no on else ever has. His hands on my waist, were just gentle enough, the hug. I couldn't stop giggling. It wasn't anything like that with Mark or Cloud. I was walking on air on Saturday. Even through the study group. And now I don't know what to think, what's going on, anything.
It was all going just like I imagined.
I feel like I've had one of those dreams they show in movies and on tv where everything goes beatifullyuntil the dreamer wakes up and they find out that so and so died instead of being saved etc..
I just really feel like I had the most perfect thing in my hands and it was ripped from me.
I really hope he has a good excuse. Because whatever it is I'm going to forgive him anyway, but... oh I don't know.

posted by Megan at 3:14 AM

 
Many lots of f words over and over again.
Okay so I haven't done an update since the eigth. The night of the eigth went about as well as it couldhave. Long story short (I'll fill in the details when I'm in a better mood sometime.) Matt and I are now together. At least I think we are. He walked me back from Eddie's and ended up staying ages. We kissed and I sent him back to Ediies around an hour later. He didn't want to go and I didn't really want him to but he said he'd come over on sunday. Definitly. He actually used the word definitly. It's ten past 8 on sunday night. Hence the many f words. What did I do? Did I do something wrong? I've basically wasted a whole day that I could have spent studying in the library because I wanted to clean up here a little before he turned up. There has been someone here all day long. I've only been out of the house for maybe 20 minutes the whole day long. Why didn't he come. Why isn't he here.
I really wanted to get everything sorted out before he went back to Rotorua. It was lovely but kind of weird on saturday morning. A little unfinished sort of. Where is he?
I don't know whether I'm more angry or disappointed.
I had so much pent up energy which I would have rather been using up on Matt, but instead I went for a very quick bike ride. I did that stalker thing. I went to the end of Fox street to see if his car was still at Eddie's. It wasn't on the street and so far as I know that's where it would be if he were still there. So I guess that means he's gone back. Without seeing me.

posted by Megan at 1:04 AM

 
Wow! I think I just had the best night of my life. For lack of a better phrase:
'I have a boyfriend! I have a boyfriend! I have a boyfriend! And his name is.........



MATT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes believe it or not THE Matt!
I think I'm still in shock myself.

On another note I'm the first girl he's kissed. Although I think I would class myself as a woman.

posted by Megan at 8:28 AM

 
It's amazing how quickly a person can regress. In a matter of minutes I had rolled back to a former state of being.
I met up with Todd yesterday at uni. We chatted for a while and during the conversation he asked if I was going to Eddie's birthday thing this friday. I replied that I didn't know. I know Eddie and he's a good friend of my sisters but I wasn't sure if I'd be welcome at his birthday. Apparently I will be. He emailed just about everyone he knows so my presence will certainly not be offensive. What has so thoroughly rocked my boat was that during the little tete a tete where my sister was asking Eddie if it was okay for me to go, it was mentioned by Eddie with an accompanying wink that Matt would be there. Apparently even Eddie thinks that something should be going on between myself and Matt.
What's really pulling my strings at the moment is how quickly I had reverted. In matter of minutes I was getting out all my clothes too see which look hotest and trying to decide what I should wear. I don't even know why I was doing that. Was I doing it because I want to look hot to show Matt what he's missing out on? Or because I want to look great to seduce him.
I thought I had got over him. To a large extent anyway. Now I'm deciding that I'm going to get my hair cut tomorrow, I'm going to do my nails etc. Argh! What the hell is wrong with me.
Although all through this I can't quite get Chris out of my head. Good sign that Matt is not taking up all of my limerent thoughts as he once would have.

posted by Megan at 10:22 PM

 
Why did I have to develop one of my obsessions for Chris after they stop showing NX. Maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder as they say. Or maybe it's my hormones, I think it's also somewhat due to how the character developed in the last season. The whole romantic thing with Maggie. It was a side of Chris I hadn't seen before, and wish I could see more of now.
I actually dreamed about Chris last night. It was weird.
I had the feeling I didn't usually live wherever he does. I was in a building with him and he had a bed in a cubicle type place. We were both sitting on the end of it. Then he lay down on the bed. I think he sighed. Then he said
'I think we've got a problem here.'
Apparently dream me knew what the problem was he liked me. A lot. For some reason this was not a good thing for Chris. Dream me was secretly happy. Chris was a little upset. Maybe he was being a monk or something. There followed a conversation about seeing how things went. Because Chris is not going to disregard his feelings for whatever reason. And if he persists in liking me he'll just have to give in. Something to that effect. I'm sure that there was touching at some point. A hand on my arm or a quick hug, something of the like because this morning, when I thought of the dream the only thing I coul remember for a number of minutes was the feeling of touch and the general shape of the man. Then I remembered who it was. Sigh. Why can't I get this in real life.
I've been wondering recently if my non-enthusiasm for work and the like is at least partly attributable to my pining for a man. Unfortunately there are none around that I feel I could get into a relationship with. Adrian at Taiko is nice. We've started chatting a bit more. Could be friends there. And I saw Todd again yesterday. I really don't think that we'd be that good together but I can't help thinking about what Lisa said. Todd is good looking. And not a little hot. Sometimes I've wondered. But I don't want to look like the girl who has dated all of them. Mark then Cloud, if I'd had my way Matt, then Todd. To complete the circle that would leave Ivan. Ha! Personally I'll just be happy to keep up a more regular chain of communication with Todd. I do like his company.
Then there is David at Taiko. He's one of the senior members of the group and has come along a couple of times to the practices. He starts teaching next week. Personally I hope he teaches Ujigawa because that's what my group is up to now. Although I don't really find him attractive he has a Chrisness about him. Yes laugh if you will. Back onto Chris again. But I'm always like this about someone I've dreamed about. Anyway, in looks he has something Chris about him, I think it's mostly in his eyes, but the rest of the face too. So much so that I started the first time he came to the wednesday practice. Then he has a Chris aura about him as well. Like he thinks about big things or you know Chrisness. Anyway he seems to draw my eye. When I'm not concentating on the song anyway. I stress again not because I think him hot but because this Chrisness draws the eye. I guess it's like having contact with Cicely again.

posted by Megan at 3:27 PM