A Chris-in-the-morning inspired blog. Somewhere I can hypothesis on human nature and narrate my own journey of self discovery. That sounds so cheesy! Basically somewhere that I can just spill out the contents of my head.

 
So I bought a Christmas tree today. Just a cheap 4 foot one. It's the first time I've been away fromhome at this time of year, so I wanted a Christmas tree. And I guess I should start my own traditions. I've been stringing up some of my '1000' cranes and making some more and some stars for decorations. Maybe I should write my Christmas wishes on the paper then make origami out of it to hang up. That would be a good tradition.
Anyways, here's the bitching. So I walked in from the Warehouse with tree in box, under arm. Natalie looks at me and goes "Oh" in that 'Oh my goodness I can't believe you're doing that. It is so low, so beneath me'
So I asked what she was making the face for.
'I absolutely detest artificial Christmas trees.' Is her response.
"If you'd told me you wanted a Christmas tree I could have got a real one." As if she needs to save me from the horrors of a fake tree. So she thinks cutting down a living tree just so it can stand in her living room for 3 weeks dying and then be dumped into a rubbish dump where it's nutrients can do no good. Better to leave it out in the forest where it can contribute to nature. Or is making her house smell of pine a worthy demise for a tree?
I shouldn't be getting so down about something like this. Especially when it's a Christmas thing. Where is my Christian tolerance. Well goodness knows I put it to use often enough and I get none back. At least my tree can become a part of my life, become part of tradition. To be brought out every year at that special time.

posted by Megan at 2:29 AM

 
Boy, when it kicks off does it kick off. Craig's leaving tomorrow for over a month. I'm taking samples on monday. Have to go by bus to Whakatane on sunday and go with the EBOP guy from there. Got to organise all the stuff for taking samples. Got to order filters too. Musn't forget. Got to organise finding a new flatmate, and the barbeque this weekend. Eeep.

posted by Megan at 1:57 AM

 
I'm back onto a LOTR kick again. Boy does it feel good. I'm going to try to savour it, make it last as long as I can. It's been so hard recently to find anything that makes me feel genuinely happy. Evrytime I do it ends. Like Tora. If I had the time to get to know him it'd be wondeful, and Taiko. But it's finished for the summer. Although Athena said she'd try and orgainse a few get togethers. Random practices so we don't forget everything. I really hope so.
I watched The Two Towers this weekend, that's what started the kick. I'd been meaning to watch it for a while. Ever since they showed Fellowship on TV2. I'm thinking about going to the video store sometime and hiring the TTT EE, if one of them has it. Especially with ROTK EE coming out soon. I've been listening to LOTR music all day and I'm trying to restrain myself from reading the book again. I'm trying to remember whether or not I last read it last summer or later this year. And whether I only read ROTK or all 3. Summer is my time for reading LOTR anyway, so I'll have to at some point.
Oh my I just realised, I have a tradition.Oh! Click! I remember when I last read it. When I went to the parade! Duh! Of course. I don't think I've read it since then. I know I read the Hobbit. But that was to satisfy my midyear LOTR cravings without ruining my tradition. ^_^

posted by Megan at 2:16 AM

 
I told myself I was going to write a post about the perfect guy. At least he's a close to perfect as I've met yet. Yes Matt lost that position the moment he became an arse.
This guy. Mmmmmmmmmmm. I'd better not name him in case he finds this page. He's got a fairly individual name, being Chilean and Japanese of origin. I'm actually in quite a good position at the moment. I can fully enjoy the overwhelming sexiness of him without worry of getting involved and being shot down or something. He's going back to Chile in a couple of weeks. Which is a damn shame because I'd like to admire him for quite a while longer.
He's got a sort of south American cowboy look about him. With the shoulder length bleck hair, and the moustache and the little stripe of facial hair from his lip down to his chin. Not usually one for facial hair this really does it for me. And he's got lovely skin. Both the Chileana nd Japanese heritage shows through in his skin colour. It's olive kind of couloured and his hands! They're incredible, especially when he's playing guitar. So flexible and they've got that look about them that suggests strength, but they can still be gentle. Mmm. And his smile. When it's directed at you, you'd swear you were the only person on earth. And lovely eyes. He always looks at you when he's talking to you (even when he's driving) and the feeling of having those eyes on you.

posted by Megan at 5:24 PM

 
Stupid me! Stupid Matt! I was so hung up with the whole Matt thing that I didn't go see Cloud and now he's gone back to China. He said he was in a hurry to go because he had some job interviews his parents had arranged. He tried to contact me but... He might be coming back sometime. He might come back for his graduation but stuff all help that will be 'cause I'll be in America then most likely.
I miss him. Not like that. I just really miss having him around. Knowing he was there if I wanted to get away from everyone else. Somewhere I could go to feel better. He always had that ability, to make me feel better no matter how awful I felt. I wish I could have hugged him good bye.
I'm going to swear right now that even if I have to go to China myself I'm going to see him. Within the next 5 years if possible. Even though we haven't really seen each other much this year it was still more of a comfort than he'll know just to have him around. Things feel different now.
Wo ai ni Cloud

posted by Megan at 1:44 AM

 
He's just not that into me?
Hmmm? So I saw a 20/20 mini article on a new book out. Based on the episode of Sex and the City where Burger demystifies men for Miranda. 'He's just not that into you.' According to the book, if he doesn't call, is not having sex with you or 'disappears', then he's just not that into you. Well Matt's done all three really. For an hour or so I felt liberated by this knowledge, then depressed and now, well pretty much the same as before.
Matt's not some guy from New York, and this is not some dating misunderstanding. Matt's different, he's Kiwi for a start and shy and nice and well not Burger anyway. And three years worth of stuff between us. And besides he said to my face that he was into me. So what does this mean? It means that Matt has no excuse that is not going to justify me cutting his balls off. He's run out of excuses and very nearly run out of time.
I hit the limit yesterday. Or at least the little warning sticker that says 'Only 2 metres left'. I've been telling people that I have limits and I'll know when I reach them, well here they are, looming over me. This is the point where I give him one last chance to redeem himself. I'm going to send him an email within the next few days. I've got to let myself be calmed down a bit before I write it. Not sure what I'm going to say yet. What I want to say is something to the effect of, 'Are you my boyfriend or can I start flrting eith the hot Chilean guy?'. But I won't say that. a) because it would not provoke any forseeable positive response and b) because I'm not going to flirt with Tora he's leaving in a couple of weeks.

posted by Megan at 2:15 AM

 
Okay, so I told myself I was going to write a good long post about yesterday. So here it is. So I got up at 6. Well ten past really. Got to the uni around 7:20, Tora turned up with the van and I met him. Helped him get the stuff from the R block lab, all the while admiring the wonderful human form and trying not to grin too much. Then we headed off to Rotorua. Just me and him in the truck. Some good conversation. Found out that his Dad is Japanese. Can this guy get any better?!? He's not a biologist he did civil engineering at the University of Chile. And unfortunately he's going back to Chile in a couple of weeks. Sigh.Damn, if he didn't look hot hauling on a rope or setting the gear up.Oh well nothing's going to happen, I'll just enjoy the company and view while it's still here.

posted by Megan at 8:15 PM

 
Well if Matt's going to make a move he'd better do it tonight. Why? Because tomorrow I'm spending the whole day with a hot Latin American guy. ANd I didn't just meet him, I've had a bit of a thing for him for a while. Saw him during the Andean club performance on international day and man is he fine. And even better, he wears glasses. And that smile! Mmm mm mm

posted by Megan at 11:52 PM

 
I'm coming to terms with the fact that all that's left for me to do is keep the lines of communication open and play the waiting game. Again.
I sent him an email fo his birthday. I was going to make an animation but I forgot. Oh well. I'm sure I can come up with an excuse by this weekend.
It's weird, I think I've learnt something from a book. Okay so this is nothing new. I try to take something away from most books I read. But this book was a Feist. One I read solely for escapism. The King's Buccaneer. The lesson I picked up is the same one Nicholas learnt. About taking responsibility. No excuses and all. I went to uni today all fired up to do work. And I realised that I've got to do this, for myself. There's noone to blame if the work doesn't get done. It's up to me. And I felt good too.
Thanks Nicky.

posted by Megan at 2:20 AM

 
Called his cellphone and left a message saying 'call me sometime' basically. Now it's back to the begining of the waiting game. Mark said last time he tried to call Matt there was no answer, so it's not just 'cause he sees my number and doesn't answer. Small comfort. He must have got the first message, and yet he still hasn't contacted me. There must be something stopping him. I just wish I knew what it was so that I could do something about it.

posted by Megan at 4:14 AM

 
I was planning on getting together with Ajay and sitting in the park like we did earlier this year and just talking stuff out with him. But he wasn't around at uni today. He'd better be tomorrow because I'm going to go mad. I'd tell Jules, well actually I have been over it with her, and she's got problems of her own. I'd tell Nat but I don't think she'd care. I guess it's get what you give. At this point in time I'm think I'm saturated with about as much complaining about work as I can handle. Roger did this, Jackie said that, old ladies tried to steal butter. It's got to the point where sometimes I greet her when she get's home and instead of a 'hello' for a greeting I get a 'Oh my god xxxxx happened today and I'm so pissed off' or something to that effect.
And who is she to use God's name in vain, she doesn't even believe.
That's another thing. I'm sick of feeling like I have to play down my beliefs for Nat. She's supposed to be all liberal (she actually called herself liberal today) and yet anytime anyone says they want to thank God for something good that's happened to them she's all 'I hate when people say I guess God just didn't want this to happen or thank you God for making this happen. As if God would be interested in their stupid little crap.' He's OMNIPOTENT you dumb bitch! Of course he cares about the small things, that's the whole point. He's always there. Usually I just purse my lips and pretent the TV is really interesting.
I'm sick of feeling like I should hide that I'm Christian in case I offend someone and I'm sick of feeling guilty just because I've not got Maori blood in me. My ancestors didn't go about opressing the Maori, yet if I were to show my interest in the Maori culture either Maori people would make me feel unwelcome or people would assume it's just because I want to look politically correct. Even Asha wasn't Maori enough for the girls in the Maori language class at high school.
Excuse that rant. I still have a lot of pent up energy.
Where is Matt?
I could really do with having him here right now. I want someone that's like me. He's not exactly like me (otherwise I'd be worried that I had a narcissism thing going on), but enough so that we think on a similar wavelength. He's the only person I've been able to have religious conversations woith comfortably. And talked about stupid little things like King Atrhur and Robin Hood lego sets.
I could give him so much. I look really good at the moment. It must be a combination of healthier eating recently and Taiko (helped along a bit by feeling sick for a week and not eating properly.) I look fucking hot in the right clothes. He wanted me enough that night. Why is it that with him absense seems to make his heart forget me??
I'm starting to think it was a mistake to send him back that night. MAybe I should have left him in the hallway for 2 minutes while I shoved everything in my wardrobe or something. I wonder if he did want to stay. But then again I don't think he would have gone that far on the night he had his first kiss. At least I'll always have that distinction.
There's one song in particular that I'm associating with at the moment. All you wanted by Micelle Branch. Lyrics are as follows,

I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you
And I got swept away

I didn't know that it was so cold out
And you needed someoneto show you the way
So I took your hand and we figured out
That when the tide comesI'd take you away

If you want toI can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wantedwas somebody who cares

I'm sinking slowly
So hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone

If you want toI can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wantedwas somebody who cares

All you wanted was somebody who cares
If you need me you know I'll be there
Oh, yeah

If you want toI can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wantedwas somebody who cares

Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone



That just kind of sums things up at the moment.
I'm just waiting now. The ball is firmly in his court, I don't want to hit it any harder towards him in case I injure him, so I'll just wait.


posted by Megan at 3:18 AM

 
Argh. It's getting frustrating. I'm in one of those moods where I don't know where I want to be. Usually there's somewhere I can go, either physically or in my mind that suits my mood and calms me down or makes me feel safe or comfortable. But sometimes nowhere that I can think of is right. Not home, not Rotorua, not Wellington (although it's closest at the moment. There is some comfort in Wellington.). At these times i sometimes go to my island. Maybe I should go there. I'll try that later.
I've also got a feeling that something is going to happen. Something has been building up over the last 3 or 4 days. My mother said it was the weather that was making me feel like this. But it's more. Something's going to happen and when it does it won't be good I think. Places that are usually light are dark at the moment. And this feeling is contributing to my not having a safe place to go to. Maybe it's because I haven't been very social. Not had many people around me really. Not very often over the last week anyway. But I can't get rid of the feeling. I've been extra nervous and jumpy. The thunder storm this afternoon had me locking the door.

Next topic: I've got his phone number. I was going to call it tonight but now I think I'll wait till tomorrow. I looked at my horoscope. It said:

Repair works
*
You may be concerned today with repairing something that has broken down, such as an automobile or an appliance. Or you may have to deal with a situation that has broken down to the point that it must change radically in order to continue, even along completely new lines. You may have to contend with a person who is trying to exert unreasonable power over you today, forcing you to defend your right to do things your way. The person may feel that he or she is doing this for your own good, but that is not usually the case. Avoid contact with criminals and do not go into areas where you are likely to encounter street crime. Under this influence it is just possible that you might have an unfortunate encounter.

And then because I'm not at all psycho or obsessive I checked his. It was the exact same reading. I know this is probably not a huge thing considering that there are only so many transits going on etc. But the website it not a magazine type 12 signs = 12 readings. It looks more indepth at your chart including place and time of birth. And in any case if we're both experiencing that tomorrow I figure maybe then is when I should call. Unless his is referring to a broken fume hood or something. ^_^

posted by Megan at 1:02 AM

 
It's going to be a week in about 15 hours since the stuff happened. And still I haven't heard anything from Him. Yes he deserves a capital letter now. I sent Him an email last night. It was ust before midnight so he won't have got it yet. I said something to the effect of does he want to come up and visit etc. I really hope he does. I'll have a very boring weekend of making slides for my presentation if he doesn't. I'm doing slides right now as a matter of fact. If he doesn't come around I'll have to appeal to him in language he can undersatnd. Namely:
The tide is high but I'm holding on,
'Cause I'm gonna be your number one.
I'm not the kind of girl who gives up just like that,
No ...

I don't like the song myslef but it's his favourite Atomic Kitten to sing.
I might also use,
When are you going to wake up,
When are you going to want what's in your face

And/or,

And this is a fight I'm not willing to lose
'Cause you're larger than life.....

posted by Megan at 3:35 PM

 
Well I've finally figured out how reverse-phase chromatography works. The ngiht before the exam. This is actually a very short study break. I'm sitting here trying to figure out when I can reasonably expect a reply from Matt.
I saw Eddie today (thank you God) and I asked him when Matt left on sunday. He said around 4:30. I then mentioned how he hadn't turned up. Eddie said he'd been worried something like that would happen. Apparently the boys had been giving him a hard time about walking me home and 'scoring' etc. I think they freaked him out or something. At least there's a good chance it wasn't something I did. Hopefully he'll reply to my email otherwise I'll text him or call or something. I really want to talk to him. More than that, I really want to see him.
I'm not letting him out of this. Not without a bloody good fight.

posted by Megan at 8:37 PM

 
Matthew William Paul effing Power!
Why are you doing this to me!?!?!?!?!! Why?!!!
I didn't know that I could be so far up one day and soooo far down the next.
Seriously. I don't think I've ever been higher than I was at 4 on saturday morning. I think I may have been lower than this before but I couldn't put a name to the time.
What's going through my head?
-Has he changed his mind?
-Was he really drunk and forgot?
-Did he get mugged on the way back?
-Did he turn up and no one answered the door 'cause no one heard?
-Does he think I'm crazy?

God! Why?
Maybe I am as low as I can get. I can see all that happened, feel it. The sitting on his lap. His arm around me as we walked back. Those awful long, stretching silences. The kissing, feeling his hands on my waist.
Everything was going so perfectly. He made me feel like no on else ever has. His hands on my waist, were just gentle enough, the hug. I couldn't stop giggling. It wasn't anything like that with Mark or Cloud. I was walking on air on Saturday. Even through the study group. And now I don't know what to think, what's going on, anything.
It was all going just like I imagined.
I feel like I've had one of those dreams they show in movies and on tv where everything goes beatifullyuntil the dreamer wakes up and they find out that so and so died instead of being saved etc..
I just really feel like I had the most perfect thing in my hands and it was ripped from me.
I really hope he has a good excuse. Because whatever it is I'm going to forgive him anyway, but... oh I don't know.

posted by Megan at 3:14 AM

 
Many lots of f words over and over again.
Okay so I haven't done an update since the eigth. The night of the eigth went about as well as it couldhave. Long story short (I'll fill in the details when I'm in a better mood sometime.) Matt and I are now together. At least I think we are. He walked me back from Eddie's and ended up staying ages. We kissed and I sent him back to Ediies around an hour later. He didn't want to go and I didn't really want him to but he said he'd come over on sunday. Definitly. He actually used the word definitly. It's ten past 8 on sunday night. Hence the many f words. What did I do? Did I do something wrong? I've basically wasted a whole day that I could have spent studying in the library because I wanted to clean up here a little before he turned up. There has been someone here all day long. I've only been out of the house for maybe 20 minutes the whole day long. Why didn't he come. Why isn't he here.
I really wanted to get everything sorted out before he went back to Rotorua. It was lovely but kind of weird on saturday morning. A little unfinished sort of. Where is he?
I don't know whether I'm more angry or disappointed.
I had so much pent up energy which I would have rather been using up on Matt, but instead I went for a very quick bike ride. I did that stalker thing. I went to the end of Fox street to see if his car was still at Eddie's. It wasn't on the street and so far as I know that's where it would be if he were still there. So I guess that means he's gone back. Without seeing me.

posted by Megan at 1:04 AM

 
Wow! I think I just had the best night of my life. For lack of a better phrase:
'I have a boyfriend! I have a boyfriend! I have a boyfriend! And his name is.........



MATT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes believe it or not THE Matt!
I think I'm still in shock myself.

On another note I'm the first girl he's kissed. Although I think I would class myself as a woman.

posted by Megan at 8:28 AM

 
It's amazing how quickly a person can regress. In a matter of minutes I had rolled back to a former state of being.
I met up with Todd yesterday at uni. We chatted for a while and during the conversation he asked if I was going to Eddie's birthday thing this friday. I replied that I didn't know. I know Eddie and he's a good friend of my sisters but I wasn't sure if I'd be welcome at his birthday. Apparently I will be. He emailed just about everyone he knows so my presence will certainly not be offensive. What has so thoroughly rocked my boat was that during the little tete a tete where my sister was asking Eddie if it was okay for me to go, it was mentioned by Eddie with an accompanying wink that Matt would be there. Apparently even Eddie thinks that something should be going on between myself and Matt.
What's really pulling my strings at the moment is how quickly I had reverted. In matter of minutes I was getting out all my clothes too see which look hotest and trying to decide what I should wear. I don't even know why I was doing that. Was I doing it because I want to look hot to show Matt what he's missing out on? Or because I want to look great to seduce him.
I thought I had got over him. To a large extent anyway. Now I'm deciding that I'm going to get my hair cut tomorrow, I'm going to do my nails etc. Argh! What the hell is wrong with me.
Although all through this I can't quite get Chris out of my head. Good sign that Matt is not taking up all of my limerent thoughts as he once would have.

posted by Megan at 10:22 PM

 
Why did I have to develop one of my obsessions for Chris after they stop showing NX. Maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder as they say. Or maybe it's my hormones, I think it's also somewhat due to how the character developed in the last season. The whole romantic thing with Maggie. It was a side of Chris I hadn't seen before, and wish I could see more of now.
I actually dreamed about Chris last night. It was weird.
I had the feeling I didn't usually live wherever he does. I was in a building with him and he had a bed in a cubicle type place. We were both sitting on the end of it. Then he lay down on the bed. I think he sighed. Then he said
'I think we've got a problem here.'
Apparently dream me knew what the problem was he liked me. A lot. For some reason this was not a good thing for Chris. Dream me was secretly happy. Chris was a little upset. Maybe he was being a monk or something. There followed a conversation about seeing how things went. Because Chris is not going to disregard his feelings for whatever reason. And if he persists in liking me he'll just have to give in. Something to that effect. I'm sure that there was touching at some point. A hand on my arm or a quick hug, something of the like because this morning, when I thought of the dream the only thing I coul remember for a number of minutes was the feeling of touch and the general shape of the man. Then I remembered who it was. Sigh. Why can't I get this in real life.
I've been wondering recently if my non-enthusiasm for work and the like is at least partly attributable to my pining for a man. Unfortunately there are none around that I feel I could get into a relationship with. Adrian at Taiko is nice. We've started chatting a bit more. Could be friends there. And I saw Todd again yesterday. I really don't think that we'd be that good together but I can't help thinking about what Lisa said. Todd is good looking. And not a little hot. Sometimes I've wondered. But I don't want to look like the girl who has dated all of them. Mark then Cloud, if I'd had my way Matt, then Todd. To complete the circle that would leave Ivan. Ha! Personally I'll just be happy to keep up a more regular chain of communication with Todd. I do like his company.
Then there is David at Taiko. He's one of the senior members of the group and has come along a couple of times to the practices. He starts teaching next week. Personally I hope he teaches Ujigawa because that's what my group is up to now. Although I don't really find him attractive he has a Chrisness about him. Yes laugh if you will. Back onto Chris again. But I'm always like this about someone I've dreamed about. Anyway, in looks he has something Chris about him, I think it's mostly in his eyes, but the rest of the face too. So much so that I started the first time he came to the wednesday practice. Then he has a Chris aura about him as well. Like he thinks about big things or you know Chrisness. Anyway he seems to draw my eye. When I'm not concentating on the song anyway. I stress again not because I think him hot but because this Chrisness draws the eye. I guess it's like having contact with Cicely again.

posted by Megan at 3:27 PM

 
You know how when you're in love or in a relationship with someone and you create little references. Little reminders, like certain songs or phrases and the like. And after the relationship has done it's dash and passed on to the relationship afterlife you hear that song on the radio and you get that twinge in your chest. The song has new meanings, instead of 'he's so great I love him so much', it now means 'why was I not good enough for him?' or 'this is one of the best nights of my life' turns into 'why did I give all that up'.
Well after a certain period you move on from a person, but then you hear a song or think to yourself x would be saying this right now, and it sets you back weeks or months on the getting on with life ladder.
For the last few days I've been making a concious effort to eliminate these bitter and depressing feelings. I like these songs. I don't want to start wanting Matt everytime I hear Anniversary by the Feelers or Stay You by Wood. What I do want is to remember the good times.

posted by Megan at 8:47 PM

 
I've been thinking a bit about the Jewish faith recently. I think that if it wasn't for my strong ideas about Jesus (ref Dogma by Kevin Smith), I would be seriously thinking about converting.
A few things have contributed to my thoughts. Sex and the City for one. Charlotte converts to Judaism because when she tells Harry that she probably won't be able to have kids he says "So we'll adopt. What are you gonna do." And she says that if Judaism is full of people like that it's worth converting to. I have to agree. Another thing was the 'Some of my best friends are...' with Pio. The message I got out of it was Jewish people just want to be happy being what they are and they just want you to be happy being what you are.
I wish all religions were like that.
I'm very tempted to go to synagog at least once. Okay so the saxons didn't spend 40 years in the desert but, after all Jesus was Jewish.

posted by Megan at 4:56 AM

 
And ya know the sun's setin' fast
And just like they say, nothing good ever lasts
Go on now and kiss it goodbye
But hold on to your lover 'cause your heart's bound to die
Go on now and say goodbye to our town, to our town
Cause I can see the sun has gone down on our town, on our town
Goodnight
Goodnight

Goodnight Cicely

Thank you for all that you've given me. I guess it's time I start working things out for myself now.

posted by Megan at 4:02 AM

 
I had a revelation while on the way back from the uni library half an hour ago.
There have been many people to hypothesis about what separates us from the beast. Self awareness, walking on two legs, speech, maybe it's a sense of superiority that puts us apart. But how can we say that tiger's aren't self aware, chimps walk on two legs sometimes and it's already believed that dolphins communicate.
I think that what seperates us may be the ability to see outside ourselves. To see history, art to think in an abstract manner. Our thought patterns aren't just limited to what gets us food. We aim to better ourselves, morally, intelluctully, spiritually.
I was walking along holding Jane Eyre, one of the first books on my new improved reading list. I have begun a journey to better myself. Anyways I got to thinking, isn't it incredible that Miss Bronte can write this book way back when and here at the start of the 21st century a 22 year old woman can read her words and be moved by them. This communication down the ages I believe is one factor in what makes us different from the birds and the bees. Communication across the void if you will. Charlotte, is communicating with me from the grave in a way.


posted by Megan at 8:53 PM

 
Have you ever just wanted to shut yourself away for while?
Do the hermit thing? Us humans are a social species but
when it comes down to it, every now and again we just get
sick of other people chattering around us. Mucking up our
plans. Sometimes you just want to get away from the
spontenaity and do the recluse bit, even if only for a few
hours. It's not quite up there with Janet Frame but
everyone needs their own space once in a while.It's a kind of social cocoon. An anti-social caterpillar
we wrap ourselves up in a selfmade capsule, watch a few
movies, read a book or two to emerge as a glittering
interactive butterfly, ready to flit around and make
ourselves available to others.

posted by Megan at 10:00 PM

 
They say it is better to have loved and lost then not to have loved at all. I guess in the long run that's true. But for a while after the event it doesn't feel that way. It's been a couple of months since the event in my case but I managed to completely ignore my emotions for that time. I either buried myself in work, good old distraction. Or I switched my brain off. Concentrated on mindless things like computer games or tv, another type of distraction but one that can have detrimental effects on your mental capacities. It's a bit like a drug, switching off. Once you get used to it, then you try to use your brain again you find yourself finding reasons to switch off again.
Is it a physiological thing? Your body becomes used to the path of least resistance and doesn't want to expend that extra energy. Or is it an escapism thing? Trying to hide from reality in a calm safe little world in your head.
I've stopped trying to avoiding thinking about Matt. I've started listening to the Feelers music again. I've let it sink into my brain. I figured I can't coast my way through the rotting maggoty flesh stage in a haze. I can't go straight to go, straigh to the clean white bones of the situation. I have to face up to it and deal with how I feel. I've been on a bit of an emotional seesaw the last couple of days.
Thanks goodness for that friend you can just talk to, who listens. Who knows what you're going through. Thanks George. Now that I've switched my brain back on again I'm starting to realise even more just how much George means to me. I feel like he might be a friend for life. We've been through it together and come out on the otherside.

posted by Megan at 7:11 PM

 
Wow, I didn't think it had been that long since I last updated. I got my big fat no from Matt but he still wants friends so I've made myself get over him so thatI can enjoy the friendship.
Now I'm in the middle of studying for exams. Probably the biggest exams of my life and I don't even feel half organised. I'm just so stressed. I'm going home for a couple of days once my last exam is over and I can't wait.
I've got a playlist that I named 'love' playing. I have done for a few days now. Ever since watching a particularly soppy episode of Gilmore Girls. I'm getting that lonelyness feeling again. Worst things is I keep getting signs from Higher Power. As I do when I get stressed I want to see Cloud. So I organised with him to visit on monday evening. We watched the NZ vs Spain basketball and at some point during the halftime break we ended up kissing. I don't know whether it's just a symptom of my lonelyness of something more. I don't know what to do and I can't allow myself to think about it because I'm too busy with exams.
You can see what kind of a state m mind is in from the haphazard nature of this entry.

posted by Megan at 11:36 PM

 
Well it's been 5 days and 1 hour since I sent the email.
Still no reply. I guess that's a big fat no!
Although I am going to stick to my promise. If he doesn't reply by sunday I'm going to call his mother and ask if she can give me his phone number. I will, I swear I will. I'll be good to hear his voice.

posted by Megan at 3:53 AM

 
I'm in the middle of finally writing 'that' email to Matt. Nat, Julie and I got drunk last night. Yeah I know, there goes one of my life goals. I'm not really that upset though. I guess I figured I would one day. I'd need to not feel or think one day. Drunken emails were sent to Luke and Wayne. I wouldn't let them send drunken emails to Matt. I want to do this myslef. Maybe if he turns me down then I'll get them to send drunken emails.
It's so much harder than I thought.

posted by Megan at 10:18 PM

 
I think I just had one of the best days of my life. Okay, so this morning I would have laughed if that idea had even been suggested to me. Ahead of me I had a 20 minute presentation to classmates, lecturers and whoever else turned up. Worth 15% of my final course mark no less. I was stressed like I've never felt before, and I slept through my alarm!! I got to the labs an hour later than I'd planned and fixed up my powerpoint slides. Double spaced my notes for easy reading, and practiced to myself a couple of times. 12 o'clock came and we all gathered in the room. Basically from then good things happened. Other people did their presentations and when I did mine I did it well. I didn't forget anything. The questions the lecturers asked I could answer moslty (one of them I answered particularly well I think.). But the best thing, people turned up to watch me. Specifically me! My supervisor of course, and Dr McNeil! I can't believe he came1 I haven't had him for a lecturer for well over a year. I was so flattered, and Ajay gave me lots of support. His was good too, went a bit over time and he did his not finishing sentences thing, but it was a good presentation, more interesting than most others. Erin tried to come to the presentation too, but couldn't find the room. Thanks Erin.
After the presentation Craig gave me an application for a fellowship that was passed to him this morning. And he said he thought I did well.
Then I had the Taiko workshop. Roberta and Roy, were there and they told me that I did well with my presentation!!! OMG, coming from the markers that's pretty good info! And Ken McNeil actually said that he was sorry he missed my presentation which is what he'd come for! (We ran a bit early. Craig turned up a bit late too. I was scheduled to start at 2 but actually started at about quarter to.)
Man I love Taiko! I'm fully going into this with the intention of joining the Taiko group. I'm going to practice the beats and the stance. I already practiced the beat while I was washing my hair.
I had such the best day. And even better, I'm all inspired and enthusiastic about my thesis and Taiko now. I actually want to work. I guess I realised how much I've liked the last few weeks and doing work all day etc. Especially when you like the work. I'm going to do some looking up of toxicity and anabaena stuff tomorrow.
And you know what, I could feel Vijay and Grandpa there with me this afternoon. And Nellie too. Thanks guys, you really helped.

posted by Megan at 3:20 AM

 
Well lots to talk about today. I'll start with Friday night. I had a dream. Being as this is my secret blog, of course Matt was in it. Basically the dream was that he'd got a girl pregnant. Some blonde girl no less. And he was going to offer to marry her. Not that she was interested. But it did mean he wasn't going to ask me! Not that I'm thinking about marriage with Matt. But you know how dreams go, emotions and all.
Then today. My my, what an emotional day today has been. I wne to uni this morning to work on my directed study. First thing I did, checked my email. There were two from Ajay. Of course I read them in chronological order. Woah! Knocked for a six. Usually his emails are just, how are you, read this joke, hope you're projects going well, see you at uni. This one.. well, here's a snippet or two
'And then i see you, and you're just this oddball dreaming fantastic dreams and living happily.  I don't get you.  Other girls i get.  You, there is no getting.  Isn't there someone you just want to be with for absolutely no reason at all other than just being with that person??'
OMG!
'I'm crazy about you and i think you're awesome, but a ten minute walk with you literally ages me 15 years.  The trouble is, i really like walking with you.  It's fun, in an excruciatingly mind-numbing way.  And i'm not planning on being your knight in shining aluminIum armor or anything, so this isn't as weird as you think.  But i will tell you this, if you're not passionately involved with someone by the time your birthday rolls around, i'm going to have to turn on the charm! '
 
I've never had anybody say anything like that about me! Not even Cloud and MArk put together. Cloud said some nice things, but this, this sounds passionate.
Problem was I really like Ajay. But not like that. I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind, it did. But it was quickly followed by a barrage of other thouhgts. Like.. 'you've done the international thing, it didn't work.' and 'he reminds you too much of Mark' and 'MATT!!!! What about MATT!!!!'
I wish I could tell Ajay that I had even the hope of being passionately involved with Matt by my birthday, but I doubt it.
Then I read his next email
'I am so sorry for yesterday's email!  I didn't mean to involve you in my life or get so personal.  And i'm REALLY sorry for threatening to ask you out!!  I promise there'll be absolutely no charm being turned on whatsoever!!'
and
'Yesterday was just a daze.  I did n't know whether i wanted to talk to Silky, or hang with you, or just be alone.  And then i saw you, and i knew i wanted to hang out with with you, but i didn't know how to go about it, so i'm pretty sure i just acted like an idiot.'
Which is still really sweet, but I wonder just how long ago he broke up?
I tried to ind Ajay today but I didn't see him. Possibly he's hiding from me. I hope not. I want to talk with him. Make him understand my point of view. I want to understand his too. I think the best option is for us to be really good friends for the rest of our lives who'll comfort each other in times of trouble. That'd be nice.
And then there was this line
'It's just that when we're together, you take me to all these magical places like Japan, and Camelot, and the Supermarket.  You make me forget everything else.  '
I've never made anyone feel like this. I've got to be careful not to fall into the trap of getting involved with him just because I like the feeling of making someone else feel things for me.
Although, him emailing me this has made me begin to wonder whether maybe I should email Matt about how I feel.
Still no reply from the arse! It's been well over a month. Maybe I freaked him out and he's not replying 'cause he's afraid of me now. Great! I hope not.
Well today has been an interesting day, tomorrow should be no les interesting I imagine.

posted by Megan at 12:05 AM

 
Well, I told Natalie about the dream and I was right, it was lessened by sharing. Maybe I'll dream about the guy again tonight.
posted by Megan at 4:12 AM

 
Before I do any work today I want to write down about the dream I had last night. I want to tell people but for a start it's one of those dreams that just seems lessened by sharing and people usually get bored when I'm telling them about my dreams.
It started off with me and Asha in a ferry going from Wellington across to somewhere towards lower hutt. On the way she was pointing out to me a bunch of houses on the Eastbourne side of the bay. They were all yellow and as you do in dreams you just know something. I knew that a family member (aunt, grandparents) owned this bunch of yellow houses and that they were a motel. She was pointing out one in particular as the one that the family member had given to her and Luke to live in. Then it turned to night. Next scene. Completely different place, I was inside a house. There were other people the but I'm not sure exactly whp they were, then me and my boyfriend (I couldn't put a face to him. But I knew) decided to go for a walk. As we were walking down the street I glanced behind and saw a cop car driving along slowly. For some reason this bothered me. I felt that they were following us - not that we'd done anything wrong. Maybe j walked across the road from the house.). We were hading south and I felt that we were on a peninsula of sorts. Residential of course. We were headed towrds the end of the peninsula which was near the end of the street I guess. Maybe there was a park we were headed towards. Then a white car pulled up in front of us (I think we were actually walking on the road), and Kane (from Home and away) jumped out. He was yelling at me wanting to know where Kirsty was. He metioned Jade but he wasn't calling me Jade I think he was just saying something about how she must know where Kirsty was. I yelled back at him that I didn't know where she was. Then(and there might have been a bit that I've forgotten in there) I turned around and my boyfriend picked me up and gave me the biggest hug. Then I assume he put me down because the next thing I knew we were back in the house and Kirsty was there. Maybe Jade too I couldn't tell. I think she had purple and blue streaks in her hair. Not many and not big ones. Just a few subtle ones. And her hair was kind of poofy with a bit of a shaggy type style. I was telling her that we'd just seen Kane out on the street and he wanted to know where she was and that we didn't tell him. Then there was a huge knocking at the door. It was Kane of course. But the door was locked. He was yelling etc. Then I suddenly thought about the back door and how it wasn't locked, so I ran to get to it.But as happens in dreams the other person thinks what you're thinking and reacts faster. As I reached that back door and tried to hold it shut he pushed against and it opened he ran in and started yelling at Kirsty. Then I woke up.
The dream is odd because I haven't seen Home and Away since last week. But the thing that sticks in my mind the most is my boyfriend. That hug. He was taller that me and he had that tough build that's not all musclely but nice. He must have been strong because he picked me up to hug me. That's right, right off the ground. When he picked me up our faces were about level, so I think he was about a head taller than me. His build could almost have been Ron Livingstone. Possibly because Sex and the City was the last thing I watched before going to bed. And he hugged me so tight. So tight. Not so tight that it hurts, but the kind of tight when you don't want to let someone go. Ever. You just want to hold onto them like that for eternity. I think he said something to me I'm not sure. It was something to the effect of how much he loved me. Of course I was hugging him back as tight as I could too. We really, really loved each other. And he was comforting me when I was upset and it was kind of protective too. I knew that he would take on Kane if Kane got too agressive trying to get Kirsty's location out of me. That's what I remember most. That love, that never wanting to let go, that knowing he's always going to be there for me. That knowing I could make someone so happy by being me.
I wish I could have that in real life. Right now.
posted by Megan at 8:13 PM

 
Well it's been a long and productive although stressful 2 weeks. 9-5 lectures for2 days then a statistics assignment that I didn't really understand. damn cockles, I think I now dislike them as much as helice crassa and lupins.
I've been using the work as an excuse not to think about Matt. It works two ways when I think about Matt I can't work very well. So it's was a necessary action.
But now that things are starting to wind down ( a little) he's coming to mind more often again. I keep hearing Feelers songs, and every one reminds me of him now. I think the frustration is on it's way back. I don't know whether to give up on him altogether or curse him for not contacting me. Possibly him not contacting me is a good reason to give up on him anyway.
I wonder at my actions at the concert too. Why did I go to so much effort to llook good. If he's going tobe that hung up on looks is he really the guy I want anyway. Yeah I think he is. I'm afraid I've been transfering some of my limerent feelings for Matt onto other objects Josh Holm being one of them. On the upside I'm getting into Dom more now. The most worring of my proxy subjects is a guy from class. I guess in the absence of any physical contact I'm transferring them to ** because he reminds me of Mark. A proven limerent subject of mine albeit in the past. But that's the problem I know that that's not what I want. Another Mark. It didn't work then and I know it won't in the future. What I want is Matt.
I really want to see him in pereson again so I can judge things. I know agin. But the setting wasn't the best. If only we'd got some time to ourselves that night it might have been sorted. Damn Mark and Ivan. If only he'd come over. That last look that night really had a suggestion that he would try to visit that weekend. Hmph.
See that's another sign that I should give up. If there really had been something between us that night he would have made the effort to sort it out in person.
I didn't imagine it and how could he have interpretted it any other way. Oh Matt!!!!!!!
posted by Megan at 5:48 PM

 
Well I think I'm chickening out. I haven't emailed Matt to tell him how I feel. I haven't even emailed him to ask for his phone number so that I can call him and ask if he felt the same as I did at the concert. I think I've resigned myself to waiting until I see him next then seeing how I feel. I really would rather do it face to face.
I'm getting back into uni work. Not as quickly as I hoped to but getting back into it none the less. I think it's somewhat due to needing something to distract me from the whole Matt thing. I also have a whole bunch of stuff due soon and need to get it done. But it's more than just needing to get stuff done, I'm getting motivated agin. Enthusiastic even. Especially about my thesis stuff.
posted by Megan at 3:46 AM

 
Thanks so much to George for his supportive comments, everythime I feel like I'm about to get frustrated agin I just think about what he said. Even if everything turns toes up with Matt I've still got a whole bunch of lovely friends and family. And Julie said that from what she knows of Matt he's not likely to give up conatct with me if it goes pear shaped. Thanks guys.
I figure if I don't hear from him by the end of the week, I'll email him and let the cat out of the bag, so to speak.
I'll say how much I enjoyed friday, and that I hope i didn't imagine it. Then I'll quote Scrubs.
JD to Elliot: "For three years we've been dancing around this thing between us. And finally I've got the courage to stand up and tell you how I feel. I'm crazy about you."
That quote is altogether too acurate.
I figure I've got not much to lose and a whole lot to gain.
posted by Megan at 3:57 AM

 
I guess I can sound a bit hysterical in my posts here. Then again I'm just starting to be able to write about my 'deepest' emotions. About things I usually only talk to Jonathan about. Speaking of Jon. I dreamed about him last night. I'm not sure whether he was just in my dream, or that he came to me in my dream. I believe that he came to me. I was crying, huddled on the ground and he walked over to me and put his arm around me. He was wearing a white top and darker pants. He hugged me. I'm not sure whether he said evrything's going to be alright or if I just imagined that. But it was really, really sweet of him. Thank you Jonathan.
Talking about sweet, George said he wanted slap Matt upside the back of the head for not contacting me in the weekend! That's the nicest threat anyone's offered on my behalf. I guess it means we're even. I wanted to kick T for not emailing him. Maybe I should have told him that.
Thanks George ^_^
posted by Megan at 3:28 AM

 
Matthew William Paul Power! You are driving me crazy! Completely and utterly mad. I have never felt such frustration in my life. You are driving me so crazy that I whacked my hand against the wall- by accident. I was trying to whack the teatowel against the wall, but I can't even think straight enough to do that. I misjudged something and hit my hand instead. It really hurts. On the other hand it did calm me down.
Why haven't you contacted me!? I'm sitting here listening to Fishing for Lisa because that was the song when you first didn't take your hand away. It's a song that will forever have special meaning for me. Even if it's just to remember that touch.
God, yes I'm appealing to my higher power in a journal post, please let him do something. Email me, text me. Anything so I know. And soon. Before I break my arm or something.
I didn't imagine it, it did happen he must have felt something, thought something, why won't he tell me?
posted by Megan at 5:05 AM

 
This entry is so that in the future I can look back and say 'no I did not imagine it'

Well the whole Matt 'situation' came to a head last night with the concert. The Feelers concert. Matt came with Mark and Ivan. Which wasn't too bad. We chatted and stuff, he was lovely and friendly just like always. He almost seemed to be making more of an effort than usual to talk to me. Maybe that was my imagination. But then on the dance floor. When the Feelers came on at midnight we were on the dance floor. It was really crowded and I seemed to be a magnet for people to push past. Because of my heels I stumbled occaisionaly when people pushed too hard or it was really crowded. I was standing in front of Matt for the whole performance and when I stumbled badly he.. I can still feel his touch from the first time he caught me. I probably would have ended up on the floor if he hadn't. He put his left hand on my waist. As I was stading up I brushed my hand over his. I admit that I did that by design. At least so that I'd know what it feels like to brush his hand. Then a bit later when I was being pushed around again he put his hands on my shoulders and it was initially as a reflex, I put my left hand on his hand on my shoulder. I kind of held onto it a bit. Then after I was standing I kept my hand on his. He didn't move his. At least not till the end of the song when we clapped.
And _again_ later when I stumbled he put his hands on my shoulders and I put my left hand on his. I kind of held onto it again. And I swear I felt him stroking my shoudler with his thumb a little. Although I guess I may have imagined that. Maybe. But I'm sure I didn't. We kept our hands like that for almost two songs. At one point Mark moved and turned towards us a little and both me and Matt took our hands away. But when Mark turned back to the stage he put his hand back. He put it back! That I know he did. I wasn't stumbling or anything and he put it back. We exchanged a few _looks_ too.
Something happened I know it did.
Then why hasn't he contacted me. A while day later, and I keep asking myself, 'why hasn't he sent me a text message? Why hasn't he come over? Even with the other guys?' But then I guess this is Matt. You have to stick a nuclear warhead under him just to get him to reply to an email. He's probably just as unsure about this as me. He wouldn't know what to say in a text message. Neither do I. He might be sitting there saying, 'Why hasn't she texted?" I wrote a message. 'What are you guys up to tonight? I've been abandoned by my flatmates for their respective boyfriends.' But it just sounded stupid. So I didn't send it.
I'm going through things in my mind like he'll turn up here after he's 'left' pauls. I guess I just hope he'll turn up by himself.
Maybe he just thought it was a friendly thing? I hope not. God I hope he feels for me like I feel for him. And God I hope he does something about it. I need him so badly.
I had imagined so many times what it would feel like to have him touch me and now I can't stop thinking about how it did feel. I want to feel it again. It was kind of protective. Firm enough to steady me but tender. Oh God, Please?!
posted by Megan at 3:31 AM

 
I'm going crazy again. Or is it still. That ache, it just won't go away. It's never stayed this long before. I just want that someone to hold me. Someone to share moments with. Someone to share with. I'm sick of holding it all in. I just need someone.
I know what some of it is. I'm sick of being stuck in my own life. My life where I keep things to myself and where people that I do tell things to don't tell things to me. Sick of being so lonely. I know sometimes I like feeling self sufficient and having time to myself to indulge my strange little habits, but I feel so lonely. Anybody that might be able to understand me already has their own group of people. And people that I thought understood me are getting new groups of people. Not that I hold it against them. I just feel so left out.
I want to start living life. I just don't feel like I'm living yet. I want something exciting and wonderful to happen.
posted by Megan at 2:20 AM

 

My Sweetie 
posted by Megan at 8:17 PM

 
Well nothing much has happened since my last post. I found out about the Feelers concert and email Matt asking if he wanted to come to Hamilton to go to it. No reply yet. I thought that seeing as ticket buying etc relies on his reply it might have warrented an imediate response. Nope. Unless he doesn't want to because he suspects why I want to get him to myself for a night and I've scared him off. Well he's got til morning to reply, then I'll send him another hassling email.
I've found a new favourite singer. Not that she's now my most favourite but just a new one on my list of favourites. Emiliana Torrini. Previously I knew her only from Gollums song. But since then I've heard some of her other songs and I love her! she's great. I'm quite getting into trip-hop. Didn't know exactly what it was until I looked it up. Turns out I already like trip-hop. I'm not liking it just because Ethan does! I'm just finding out a more defined idea of trip-hop. A lot of it is what I considered my Nikita music.
posted by Megan at 7:46 PM

 
Huh, I feel delightfully numb right now. Brilliantly, wondefully perfectly, blissfully numb. Nat went to Lukes birthday and Erin went out with friends to a movie. Saw Iggy for probably the last time (at least for a long time) he's going back to Tga tommorrow. I wanted to go out somewhere for a long island iced tea. George has been a bad influence on me. Actually I choose to believe he's been a good influence. He got me craving Long Island Iced TeaS. And this weekend I really needed one. But Julie was tired this evening, and I didn't want to force her to go out, so I settled for a couple of rum and cokes. I actually bought a 4 pack. Only drank two. I watched Monk then I watched my video of Independence day. Until I remembered it I was despairing of a boring evening. I didn't want to have to think about anything. That's why I wanted the long island iced tea, something with enough alcohol so that I didn't have to think. I'm sick and tired of thinking and feeling. Emotions are overated! Very. I'm just sick of not having crontrol of my own damn head! I'm so sick of feeling guilty about Iggy. I'm sick of Nathalie being so damn annoying. She talks about other people being annoying and she's a fucking bitch sometimes. I ask if she wants help with the cooking everynight because I don't want her to feel like we're taking advantage of her and expecting her to do the cooking. And she answers like I've asked the stupidest question in the world. Like how could you even think of offering your help, as if I'd take it you incompetent fool. Because that's what I feel like, everytime I have cooked something she's looked down her fucking nose at it like she wouldn't feed it to a dog! I didn't mean this to turn into a rant but G**D*MN!! She doesn't even make an effort to be civil to Daniel anymore! And while she was cooking I was watching tv and she must have bumped something in the kitchen and I heard dishes falling over and glasses crashing and I called out 'are you okay out there' in case she'd cut herself or something. And she answered 'yes' but she said it like 'shut the fuck up of course I'm all right. You dumb ass' as if I could see through the wall whether she'd accidentally cut her wrist open or not! We had Iggy here for one night and I swear she was trying to guilt me into saying we could keep him. Every 10 minutes it was 'oh how cute' or 'hey sweetie, I love you' or 'I wish I didn't have to give you away.'. For goodness sake! I'm not going to change my mind. I admit I made a huge mistake in the beginning and yes we all have to pay for it now especially nathalie, but what the hell else could I do.
Sorry this didn't mean to turn into a rant. The alcohol is wearing off and emotions are returning.

I just want someone to hold me. Someone that loves me that I love back. Someone who's going to tell me it's going to be allright. Someone who is passionate about me, someone who'll always be there for me. Someone for me to be there for. Someone for me to hug and stroke their hair. Someone to protect me. Someone who understands me.
I love my friends but they've lives of their own, and they don't quite understand how I feel. They've all got stuff to do when I need them. Not that you can really tell when I need someone I usually just act a little crazier than usual.
I think I might call mum. I just want someone to tell me I did the right thing. I feel that I did but I need someone to say it to me.

I always feel silly about what I've written after it's all come out. I guess that's why I've ressurected this page. To get it all out. Better here than yelling at Nat or something.
posted by Megan at 4:02 AM

 
Just did something I wish I hadn't. Looked at my friends page on my lj. Saw a post from Nat. It's about the whole Iggy thing. Maybe I'm really bad at showing how I feel. Nat went on a rant about how I did it in a really insensitive way, and how we all made the decision together to have him and how she should have known I'd go on a paranoid rant. And how if she a uni dropout could asses the risks in a minute yet scientist me couldn't.
Yes it could have been approached better, but as she said she knows me. I'm not good at confrontation. I try to avoid it at all costs. I've thought so many times since then how else could I have done it. So many possibilities came up now, but at the time that was the only situation I felt I could handle it in. Well if she should have known I'd go on a paranoid rant, I certainly didn't. At the begining the thought of having a cat was so lovely and it made Nat seem so happy and Iggy was born well before we got this flat. Maybe I should have kept on looking for another flat, but all the ones I'd already seen were no pets anyway. At this point I didn't realise it was optional for Nat to have Iggy, I thought it was pretty much set in stone. It was so easy to sign the papers that said 'no pets' all the way back then when we were just happy and relieved to have somewhere to live. We had all these plans like when the landlord gives us notice we'll take him to Lukes for a day or so. But when the landlord does turn up and the reality of the consequences is face to face with you it's a whole other matter. She said that she figured Erin and I had got together and talked about the situation and that we had decided the landlord had seen Iggy and was waiting for an evil moment to say 'you've got a cat' and kick us out. Not true. As it stands I'm worried that he did see Iggy, but I think maybe if he did, he either decided to give us a chance to get rid of him or he decided to let us off. Maybe it's his son that's against cats. I personally do't think that he did see Iggy, he was old and Iggy might have been fairly camoflagued by the lino. All the same it's not whether he already saw Iggy or not that worried me. It's if he sees him _again_.
When she first reacted as she did I was angry. Although I felt ashamed of being angry at someone whom I'd just told had to give up -effectively- her baby. But she must have seen it coming. She must have known after the events of the past week that we'd have to make this decision. The girl that turned up at the door earlier that day even said she'd had to give up her kitten. Was that not enough of a sign.
Anyway I feel even worse going on this rant now because Nat lost her job today. Great huh. She might have cancer I made her give up Iggy AND she lost her job. All we need now is for Luke to cheat on her or something to finish her off.
She's been quite civil ove rhte last couple of days but I can't help but feel foreboding in the air. All in all I believe I made the right decision. We made a mistake and now we have to right it. Mostly Nat is getting punished but Erin is fairly too. Myself, I tried to distance myself from Iggy the week leading up to it so I don't feel like I'm suffering so much.
I guess I am angry at her too for putting it in her diary where I was quite likely to read it. Or maybe that was her intention. Wish I'd been as lax in reading peoples lj's as I usually am. At least I have the courtesy to write this where's she's (hopefully) not going to find it. It's not so much that she put it where I could read it but where she knows other people will read it.

Love you Grandpa, I miss you
posted by Megan at 8:55 PM

 
Julie is forgiven. What right had I to be annoyed in the first place. What claim do I have to her time. It must have been a side effect of the whole little things annoying me bit. Anyway she's not forgiven because she did nothing wrong. She's just as wonderful as ever. I _really_ am going to make the effort to spend more time with her. She said she might like to go bike riding with me sometime. Yay. Sorry Kel, I like the weekly bikeride with you, but I'm not sure about the during the week thing. Those are my times to get away from people. It used to be like walking to school, or the quiet times at work. I daydream and think. There is no rhyme or reason to them. Sometimes I'll plan on going out then I don't. Other times it's a spur of the moment thing. Often it's becaus eof a need to go somewhere (usually the supermarket) then I stretch it out a little for my sake.
posted by Megan at 4:09 AM

 
Wow that last post sounds positively stupid now. I'm feeling so frustrated. I'm getting disproportionatley annoyed about things. The other two a complain about how we don't do the dishes and there's no room on the bench. Yet they don't even try to make room. They don't stack the dishes. How hard is it to put the cutlery in a pile and the plates in a SEPERATE pile. Obviously if you've got knives and forks in betwenn plates they're not going to balance. Aaaaargh! This whole cat thing. We can't keep the cat. We cannot risk losing the house over a cat. We get kicked out there goes the bond the stress of moving, there goes my masters. But Nat doesn't even seem to realise what we risk. The cat is not worth $6000 to me. Okay I love him, but not if it's going to fuck up the rest of my life.
Okay now I'm vented I feel a little better.
posted by Megan at 1:59 AM

 
So following that post about feeling betrayed by Julie, who do I run too now that I need someone to talk to? I do love her so much. I just wish I knew whether she loved me as much.
posted by Megan at 11:23 PM

 
I am Megan's broken heart. Not 'cause of Matt. No he is the one thought keeping me from going off the rails at the moment. No, it's because of Julie. Nat and I really wanted her to go with us to the carnival on Friday. But she said she was too busy with assignments and stuff. But in her latest LJ entry, she managed in the space of two snetences to say 'sorry megs and Nat I was so busy and stressed out, I would have liked to come but all the work was piling up. Oh yeah to Dyn and DC thanks for hanging out with me and watching monty python, i needed the company.' she actually said it was the high point of her week. Thanks Jules, nice to know we're im-fucking-portant to you. I am so stressed with this damn iggy thing at the moment. Stressed enough that I can't wait to get back to uni. That I long to spend time with ANYONE as long as they're someone whos name I know. Why hasn't she told us about how well she knows these people before? I tell her about just about everything I do. MAybe she doesn't want to know that stuff then. Fine. I want to know that stuff about her. Doesn't 13 years of considering her my best friend count for something? When she said she was busy she didn't even mention she'd been out with these people yet she put it in her LJ just one sentence after she's mentioned us. Apparently she's not trying to hide it from us unless speaking directly to us. You'd think after knowing me and nat for so long she could at least be truthful with us.
I think i might start spending more time with Cloud. I miss him and he reminds me of when I lived at college hall.
posted by Megan at 7:22 PM

 
So I'm still obsessing over Matt every chance I get. I've been playing (almost exclusively) music that he likes or music that reminds me of first year. I've also been doing that thing where songs you listen to seem to ring true. To actually say what you are feeling. For me right now these two sums me up.

Taken - Stellar*

speak of chemistry
the mix is volatile you see
so don't lose your nerve
don't throw away what you deserve
you should know one thing
time will change nothing

i'm already taken
i've been taken by your ways
i'm already taken
and by the things you do
there's no mistaking the way that i feel
i'm already taken

talk to my machine
and say exactly what you mean
cos i will listen close
to every breath and every word
you could spell it out
though you should know by now

//chorus//

i should make it clear
but its easier to torture
there are no victims here
you don't need to doubt
you should know by now


And loathe as I am to admit it

World of our own

You make me feel funny
When you come around
Yeah that's what I found out honey
What am I doing without you
You make me feel happy
When I leave you behind
It plays on my mind now honey
What am I doing without you

Took for granted everything we had
As if I'd find someone
Who's just like you

We got a little world of our own
I'll tell you things that no one else knows
I let you in where no-one else goes
What am I doing without you
And all of the things I've been looking for
Have always been here outside of my door
And all of the time I'm looking for something new
What am I doing without you

Well I guess I'm ready
For settling down
And fooling around is over
And I swear that it's true
No buts or maybes
When I'm falling down
There's always someone who saves me
And girl it's you

Funny how life can be so surprising
I'm just realising what you do

We got a little world of our own
I'll tell you things that no one else knows
I let you in where no-one else goes
What am I doing without you
And all of the things I've been looking for
Have always been here outside of my door
And all of the time I'm looking for something new
What am I doing without you

Well it's feeling right now
So let's do it right now
Praying that some how
You will understand the way
It's feeling right now baby somehow
I won't let this slip away

We got a little world of our own
I'll tell you things that no one else knows
I let you in where no-one else goes
What am I doing without you
And all of the things I've been looking for
Have always been here outside of my door
And all of the time I'm looking for something new
What am I doing without you

Really he is all I've been looking for, right outside my door. And stupid me was too shy and afraid to admit it.
I make a point of trying not to regret things. But one thing I do regret is not telling Matt how I felt in 1st year. I guess there is still a chance that I will get to tell him. Provided he doesn't get a girlfriend in Rotorua. If worst comes to worst and I'm about to leave the country I'll tell him just before I go. I almost told him just before we moved out of the flat last year. But the time or place was never right.
I'm already taken. probably why i'm never really interested in any other guy.
posted by Megan at 8:09 PM

 
My diary name is changed. I now feel qualified to call myself a scientist. Yay. Two more years and I can call myself a biologist.
So graduation. It was great. Most of the 20 seconds on stage is a bit dreamlike at the moment but I'm sure my memory will clear up given a bit more time. It was great to see my parents so happy. It was great to see most of my friends get their degrees too. But the best bit was seeing Matt again. Having lived with him last year and seeing how much of a pillock he could be under the influence of damian and Ivan, I thought I had gone off him. Apparently not. The night before graduation I was more excited at the thought of seeing Matt than the ceremony. I planned things out. I was going to hug him and say how good it was to see him again. Make sure he knew that even though we haven't had much correspondence since last year I still considered him special. Well I did hug him, and he was friendly and all. Then we went in the procession afterwards and because Mark was in the afternoon ceremony he was there too. So it was us three together again. No Ivan no Todd(not that I don't like Todd, he's lovely) But as Matt pointed out the three of us basically went through uni together. That led me to believe that he still feels fondly about that first year. As I do. I often wonder how different things would have been had me and Mark not got together. Would Matt have asked me out. I don't know that he even liked me? I do know that he liked the girl who lived in the room next to him. But towards the end of that year there was something between us. If only I knew if he was really interested in me then I would know whether to regret going out with Mark. (Even if he was back then but not now.) I think we only got together because of a mutual want to be able to say that we had a boy/girlfriend. There was some affection. But even back then it wasn't much compared to how well Matt and I got on. He's really the nicest guy I've known yet. Although I guess Nat's Luke is competition. Not that he's my type. Matt is quite possibly the perfect guy for me. He's sweet, thoughtful, smart(v.important), we've got heaps in common. I even love his family. [sigh]
I wish that I could tell him how I feel. But I don't want to ruin any friendship there is between us. Even as I write this I'm contemplating, ways for him to accidentally find this page. Not that I would. I mean I'm not even telling this to Nat or Jules. I'm really looking forward to next year because he'll be on campus again. And maybe we'll be able to spend more time together. I even said if he's coming into town for any rugby games to let know, and I'll go too. I'm willing to go to rugby games for him. What I felt for Matt back in 2001-2002 is the closest I've ever come to love. I'm pretty sure I was in love with him. I probably still am but I've learnt to suppress it. Don't get me wrong, I loved Cloud. But I don't think I was 'in love'. There is a difference. Cloud is lovely and I love him but there is something more passionate about being _in_ love.
Well there you go actually said it. I loved Matt. I've never said that out loud except to my posters.
Matt William Paul, I would walk five hundred miles and I would walk five hundred more. I feel really stupid saying all this now. I've been angsting over it happily for 3 years now. And I'm getting paranoid he'll find it now. But to be honest I don't think he's interested. He didn't show any particular affection. But we were in a crowd. Maybe if I wait I'll find out. I can only hope.
{end of rant}

posted by Megan at 7:45 PM

 
Okay so this used to be my 'I hate my flatemates' rant blog. Seeing as I no longer live with them and I didn't update very often I have decided to turn it into my innermost feelings blog. Okay so I have an LJ I know, where I can rant etc. But sometimes there are some things I don't want even my friends reading. Not because I don't think they'd understand. Well I guess maybe they wouldn't, I mean I'm the only one who relly knows what's going on in my head. But I think they'd get sick of hearing me go on about things. I guess I would really like someone I don't know to find this blog and read it. Of course by writing this down I want somebody to read it. I'm not going to be like Sei Shonagon and say that I wrote stuff down but didn't want anybody to ever read it, when she knew full well she would LOVE people to read her writings.
Sometimes it's easier telling people who don't know you about stuff. I guess because they can talk back to you completely unfettered. With friends I guess you're a bit upset of annoying the other person adn them getting shitty at you. But you can get the most honest responses from strangers sometimes. Especially on the internet because you don't have to see the person face to face.
I'm not sure that I have anything to rant about today. I've been in a completely weird mood for the last week but I'm finally starting to find my way out of the haze. It's mostly been Jonathan Brandis related. I might go into more detail tomorrow. I think I've written enough today.
posted by Megan at 7:47 PM